I'd have more faith in British justice if soldier killer Michael Adebolajo was released and the public informed of his whereabouts.

Today was going so well, then I woke up.

I can't be racist, some of my best outfits are black.

I smelled what The Rock is cooking... and it smelled like chicken and steroid noodles (I said noodles) topped with amino acids.. & steroids.

Shame on you for having a fat kid. Shame on you.

Just grabbed an orange juice out of my fridge and I swear I heard one of the beers whisper, "What the fuck?".

My signature move is basically me doing naked Bruce Lee impressions to the Chemical Brothers' "Loops of Fury".

I have the utmost respect for forensic scientists who don't laugh every time they hear "point of penetration".

I scream my own my name during sex because the nosey old bat next door hasn't got an internet connection. I'm a giver like that.

If you wanna talk about regrets, can I talk about my best ones?

Something strange has happened: someone has awarded me my eleventy fifth trophy. Thank you @skin_and_i  http://favstar.fm/t/179315139475021824 …

There's a monkey on YouTube masturbating with 4.5 million views. Nothing you do in life will get seen by that many people. You're welcome.

With great age comes cheaper car insurance on vehicles that accidentally look like a finger-shaped "fuck you" to environ-mentalists.

I'm no Doctor Who, but all I'm saying is, if I had a Sonic Screwdriver, there would be more remote-controlled beer fridges.

Whoever says "a child's laughter is the best thing in the world," has clearly never heard it in the dark, during a thunder storm.

Fuck. Why didn't anybody tell me I could protect my tweets?

If there is an afterlife and it doesn't contain Penelope Cruz-flavoured vodka, I call bullshit.

The term, "Awkward silence" has such negative connotations. I prefer to call it "You not talking."

I'm not even on drugs, I'm just weird.

Like you haven't made some mistakes you'd fuck again...