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*wonders what happened to Twitter and reminisces about good old days*
Social media: Be yourself.
Social media: No, not like that.
I only watch 'White Chicks' for the racial stereotypes...against white people.
Being kicked in the balls hurts more than giving birth: months after a kick in the balls, men don't think "I want another kick in the balls"
The fact there's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Who told me to 'adult'?
I can't 'adult'.
I'm in 40's and putting my own washing on, on a Saturday night. This is why you lot had kids, isn't it? To train them...
Natalie Cassidy always reminds me of a Downy that's done good for herself.
I wish burning evidence was easier than burning bridges.
Some weeks it feels like I've seen and read everything the Internet has to offer.
My girlfriend said if I watch '50 Shades' with her, she'll let me do that thing I've always wanted. Turns out her sister still says no.
For all you guys who are thinking of going "50 Shades" on your woman tomorrow...ask Ched Evans how that worked out for him.
The trouble with being ahead of the curve is that everybody thinks you are already round the bend.
"Roses are black.
Violets are black.
I can't see."
A Valentine's poem by Stevie Wonder.
I want to take a group of people with rape alarms to go and see '50 Shades'. We can then set them off every time the sex isn't consensual.
It's like 50 Shades of Shut Up lately. Ladies, know who else ties people up, messes with your head & plays games? Jigsaw from the Saw films.
Pro tip: save money on expensive Valentine's Day gifts by erecting emotional barriers and growing old and dying alone.
I just had a lovely cheese salad roll. I could almost be a vegetarian if it wasn't for the two burgers in it.
In an age of sexual equality, what's wrong with misogyny? Isn't "girl power" the feminine equivalent?
I hatched from a Cadburys Creme Egg in the 1700s. Live in a travelling circus. My Native American name is He Who Runs With Scissors.
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