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A dog with a dental stick and 6 worming tabs tweet most of my tweets.
Just changed all my passwords to "fuck you".
Never gonna forget one, ever.
I wish I was as proud about anything as fat birds are about their tits on Facebook.
A person who is appreciated will always do m̶o̶r̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶n̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶e̶x̶p̶e̶ct̶e̶d̶ a blowjob.
20 posts a day on Facebook = Psycho.
20 posts a day on Twitter = Legend.
Sure, I like to party. If by party you mean stay at home and drink alone and regret every relationship I've ever had.
If a child has a birthday and the parents don't post about it on Facebook, did it really happen?
They say pets become like their owners, but all my dog does is sit around all day licking himself and farting...
I post most of my tweets on the mischief bus to Vodka-ville, just south of Shenannigan City.
If Hilary does win, will she find it weird sitting in a chair that Bill got a blowjob in?
I approach life with the professionalism of a two year old with a Sharpie.
I enjoy a lot of outdoorsy type activities when viewed on a high quality screen from the comfort of my sofa.
News: "Mutilated body washes up on beach to be used for Olympic volleyball"
Me: "What's wrong with a regular volleyball?"
Pokémon Go? Installed it. Played it for 1 minute. Pokémon Went.
Plot twist: a remake of Back to the Future, but instead of flying cars, people stare at their phone's all day and get offended at everything
I try to act mature: then I find myself wearing a Batman t-shirt whilst watching the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie.
There's so much carnage going on in the world, I feel I should be doing something to help. Is there a new filter to add to my Instagram yet?
Loving this hot sunshine. Low cut tops, short dresses, and open-toed shoes: I'm feeling fabulous!
*Some* of the women look ok too.
A poem about me; I hate people. I wish I were drunk.
I refuse to pin a tweet. To be defined by something I once said when drunk sounds like my marriage vows.
I hatched from a Cadburys Creme Egg in the 1700s. Live in a travelling circus. My Native American name is He Who Runs With Scissors.
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