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Hey, did you know you can go on a diet without talking about it every day?
Apparently nobody on Facebook does either.
If I win the lottery tomorrow, my monkey butler is wearing Versace and you are all fired.
You may as well say, "You're mean. You can't sit with us at lunch and play with my friends anymore."
Nothing say "I'm mature" like unfollowing someone because you disagree with what they said. Yeah, that's totally what a grown up would do.
I have a day off tomorrow and I have alcohol. This will not end well. Goodbye, sweet followers. It's been unstarrable.
Turned on the 'Adult' channel it was just people going to work to pay the bills while wishing they were 10yrs younger and 20lbs lighter.
My hobbies include drinking, alienating family members, and swearing inappropriately. So yeah, I think I'd be a great dad.
Aaaaand the winner of the "Took the money and ran award" is....
Samuel L. Jackson for "Big Game".
Sluts are like wedding cake. Nobody really wants to eat it, but everybody has had a piece.
Just watched the new Supergirl pilot episode.
That's me up all night masturbating...
Listening to Chris Brown on the radio makes me wonder why stars stopped getting into plane crashes.
"I'm not starring him because he doesn't star me." - sad fucks with parental issues.
I like big butts...and apparently I can lie.
With great age comes great responsibility...and the sudden realisation you're never gonna tap another chick under the age of 25.
Recent studies show that 1 in 5 relationships start online. The other 4 will end online.
It's not you, it's me. I'm fed up with your shit.
Sitting in a waiting room and I notice the girl next to me is on Twitter. She looks so normal yet she maybe one of us.
[tv series pitch]
"It's in England"
"Everyone's fighting for power"
"Nobody has a charger"
"Game of Phones"
If you love something set it free. If it fucks your best friend and takes half your house with it, it's probably my ex.
I hatched from a Cadburys Creme Egg in the 1700s. Live in a travelling circus. My Native American name is He Who Runs With Scissors.
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