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For all you people in the US that care about British Weather: it's wetter than Whitney Houston's last joint.
Nobody in the UK has even heard of a Super Bowl. We just imagine you Yanks eating really big bowls of sugar-coated cereal.
I like long walks on the beach, romantic nights out and tweets that aren't about the Superbowl...
*maintains eye contact whilst stealing your cheese*
How the fuck is Craig David popular again????
tweets about your cat do not interest me unless it involves a microwave.
Thank you x
The older David Duchovny gets, the more he looks like Nick Knowles from DIY SOS.
Keanu Reeves' acting in 'Exposed' is more wooden than Pinocchio in a B&Q garden shed commercial.
I'm jealous of people that don't know you.
The surest way to not cry when you cut an onion is to not to get emotionally attached.
Do not name your onions.
Watching Vin Diesel accept The People's Award has made me realise I'm so in shape. The shape of a potato...
Now I've taken a lesser paid job to be more happier, I'm a lot less happier being happier.
Go for the money, kids.
Shout out to the 4 people who star my tweets after all these years.
I like to think that when Han Solo touches Kylo Ren's face, he's realised he looks nothing like him & Leia was fucking about behind his back
I hate when she takes my car & adjusts the driver's seat & it takes me weeks to get the position right again. The struggle is real, people.
I'm pretty sure that Bublé is Canadian for "what the fuck is this radio station playing this boring one-trick pony for?"
Everyone's here like "I'm so rock Bottom". I'm just here like, "You never tried hard enough, bro!"
Nobody cares about your ex. Move on.
I hatched from a Cadburys Creme Egg in the 1700s. Live in a travelling circus. My Native American name is He Who Runs With Scissors.
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