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My phone's battery has the life expectancy of a Jew in 1943 Germany.
God bless their rights to bare arms...and shoot people at random.
If God really wanted to impress humans, he would have made Joseph pregnant. Any drunk, horny teen can get an unwed female pregnant.
My mum just emailed asking what a "queef" is. I panicked and sent her a link to a blue waffle.
Newsflash: an American shot other Americans. In other news, Muslims blew some people up.
Blah blah blah....
WHO THE FUCK IS THIS TRUMP GUY YOU AMERICANS KEEP TALKING ABOUT? Has he shot someone in a cinema or something? That's all we hear about...
I've seen several of my tweets ripped off tonight. Not sure if I should feel proud or rip someone else's off....you know, to balance karma.
Apparently the art of shutting the fuck up is hard to master....
If I cared about your opinions on social media, I wouldn't be on social media.
Nothing says Great British Bake Off like having an Indian, a Muslim, a Polish woman, and a Phillipino as contestants.
"I can't eat that, I'm a Vegan."
"Has that fish been tested for Mercury?"
"Is that bread gluten-free?"
- People if Jesus was born today.
I'm definitely not bi-polar, I don't even fancy bears.
Kids are just little dickheads that piss you off and you're not allowed to hit.
Do you reckon Chewbacca has a red lipstick dick like a dog, or a normal one like us humans? It's shit like this that keeps me awake.
It's all fun and games making your own meatballs until the sudden realisation that you're rolling dead flesh.
Nothing says "please break into my house" like posting that you're going away on Facebook.
I found a wallet today, so I thought like a good Christian and wondered, "What would Jesus do?"
And I turned the cash into wine.
If they'd filmed Straight Outta Compton in my town, with all the illegitimate kids knocking around it'd be called Straight Outta Condoms.
Get a life does not mean get more followers.
I hatched from a Cadburys Creme Egg in the 1700s. Live in a travelling circus. My Native American name is He Who Runs With Scissors.
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