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Some people go so overboard to appear clever that I just want to scream "KNOB END" at my phone.
A poem about me; I hate people. I wish I were drunk.
I refuse to pin a tweet. To be defined by something I once said when drunk sounds like my marriage vows.
If you feel the need to type "fuck" on Twitter as "f***", we can't be friends.
I'd hate to be one of those people that only star tweets that have a lot of stars.
I'm not saying I've had a good day off work, but my tongue and dick are as battered as Rhianna on a date with Chris Brown.
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille.
Relationship status: being manscaped while watching Purple Rain...
Nothing says complacency like introducing your mom to your 90th girlfriend and her text afterwards says "She's lovely."
Some people are as useless as a butter dildo.
"Tell me the truth and I won't get mad." - women who get mad when you tell them the truth.
People born in the year 2000 are turning the age of consent in the UK this year.
Let that sink in for a moment.
Getting out of bed was the second hardest thing this morning.
Saying, "Can you smell weed?" right after dropping a fart will never get old.
I'd be more inclined to eat Kale if it came in meat patty form topped with cheese and was sandwiched between two buns.
I'm all about healthy living.
[Uses organic extra virgin coconut oil as lube]
Just found out I won £9.90 on Friday's Euromillions. I may splash out on some extortionately over-prices popcorn at Batman vs Superman later
I hatched from a Cadburys Creme Egg in the 1700s. Live in a travelling circus. My Native American name is He Who Runs With Scissors.
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