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The women in this gym seem more intent on running their mouth and doing diddly squats.
Yesterday I met a 21 year old who doesn't drink: shows how many messed up people there are these days.
Watching the Graham Norton Show: Michael Fassbender has more wrinkles than my foreskin.
The X-Factor drinking game:
1. Turn that crap off.
2. Go to the pub.
When she tells you she has never wanted anyone as much as she wants you right now...
Parental logic: don't talk to strangers or accept candy from them. Oh, it's Halloween - go and knock on strangers' doors and ask for candy.
The first time she tells you she wears glasses and you say, "You can be my Kara Jor El." And she says, "Can't I be Wonder Woman?"? That.
Free to a good home: one brain. Majorly sucks. For spares or repairs :-(
When life closes a door, open it again. It's a fucking door, that's how they work.
I have 7 exs on Facebook, 3 on Instagram and one on Twitter. I don't think I need to point out which one was prone to psychotic episodes.
I've inadvertently bought gluten-free bread, which is just as well as my doctor advised me to eat more useless food that tastes of crap.
I've decided to be more faithful by only having sex with girls that like orgasms...
My gay friend on Facebook just called me gay. Maybe I'm in denial? Maybe I AM confused? Who has a dick that wants me to throw up on it?
I just killed a spider AND a Daddy Long-legs. One of my dogs ate them both. Dogs are fucking weird.
They can't speak the language, they have no professional skills & rely on help from others. They need to be banned. Babies. No use to anyone
I read today that anorexic people look in the mirror and see themselves as fat. I had literally no idea I am becoming anorexic.
WHEN THE FUCK DID LIFE BECOME SO COMPLICATED?
Then she messages you back saying the same. That.
You know the difference between being in love and fancying the fuck out of someone? Neither do I...
That awkward moment you message her thinking you have a "thing" and she doesn't reply...
I hatched from a Cadburys Creme Egg in the 1700s. Live in a travelling circus. My Native American name is He Who Runs With Scissors.
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