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Behind every bitch on Twitter is a woman who has been hurt and broken. Either that, or she's ugly and not getting any.
It'll be an interesting Christmas for all the dyslexic kids who have been sending letters to Satan.
It's a little disconcerting that the most restricted country in the world, North Korea, can dictate what movies we can watch next year.
If the amount of times she refuses you is>2, but <4: the area of your Friend-Zone is:
π × FZ2
= π × FZ2
= π × (3 × 3)
= 3.14159..× 9
*walks up to bar*
"What can I get you?"
Me: "Cider please"
Me: "Er, apple?"
"Don't think we sell that."
Friends tell friends not to post how many sleeps until Christmas so other friends don't consider them immature.
Chris Rea just drove past me. I wonder where he was going?
Christmas in my house is like a Jerry Bruckheimer movie: loud, expensive, and highly overrated.
Why isn't there an ice cream van that comes round the streets in winter...but with pizza and alcohol instead?
99% of socks are single. You don't see them whinging about it.
♫ It's beginning to look at lot like "Fuck This"♫
They say every time a baby is born, someone else dies. So really it's not guns that kill people, babies kill people. Babies suck.
I bet if Jesus knew how many songs Michael Bublé was going to sing about his birthday, he'd never have been born.
Hello Twitter noobs. 5% of the people following you will read your tweet when you tweet it. Less than 2% of them will star it. Good luck.
Denzel Washington sure is good at playing Denzel Washington.
I hatched from a Cadburys Creme Egg in the 1700s. Live in a travelling circus. My Native American name is He Who Runs With Scissors.