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Remember to look out for your elderly neighbours during cold Winter months. They're liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
Either guys are REALLY in touch with their feminine side lately, or I'm pretty sure I'm following some gays.
I've just heard the most terrifying words I've heard all year...
Shall we go out and buy a Christmas tree?
Sometimes I like to stare at my CD/DVD collection and think about all the money I wasted before I discovered illegal downloads.
I'm not going to waste the whole day today. Just most of it.
Remember remember the 25th of December. You won't get shit because I'm broker than ever.
The Third Law of Tweeting: For every joke or rhetorical tweet, there's an opposed overreaction from an idiot who will take it seriously.
Women! They have boob jobs, liposuction, piercings, bikini & leg waxes, botox and tattoos, but they won't take it up the ass coz it hurts.
Ever notice how some of the people that you think you can't live without are sometimes the best people to live without?
Row, row, row your boat,
Gently up Shit Creek
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Life is but a cunt.
I'm sitting in on a Saturday night waiting for X Factor with a Tescos pizza. If this is what unemployment is like, kill me now.
Decided to research Chris Nolan's back catalogue and watch Insomnia. Now I can't sleep.
Want to gain followers? I just gained 5800 followers by tweeting for five years.
I hate it when someone I've followed for ages says they are quitting Twitter...oh scratch that, they're back.
My childhood was over once I realised the second law of thermo nuclear dynamics stated Superman couldn't actually turn back time.
A Queen Honeybee has sex with at least 40 males everyday...just like your mom.
I hatched from a Cadburys Creme Egg in the 1700s. Live in a travelling circus. My Native American name is He Who Runs With Scissors.