They seem to frown upon wiping your armpits with the hot towels at this sushi restaurant.

"Another day, another dollar" -sweat shop worker, probably.

Asked a friend to bring me some boxes for the move and she brought me A box that says 'crime scene evidence' on it. WTF?!

New book ' If I did it ' by Casey Anthony coming soon.

all right people, calm the fuck down. it's just the indy 500. they are not curing cancer out there in the speedway.

Someone hold me back. This lady at the mall named her kid 'Sander'.

"Your cousin sold his house to an Indian family. Not the native Indians but regular Indians from India". -My Dad

"Where can I drop this load?" -Me, to the Goodwill guy.

Hey, if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything nice at all.

Grandma: I'm headed to the YMCA pool. Me: You like to swim? Grandma: No, but it's good for my hemorrhoids. Me: ...

"I don't give a shit what people think about me" -assholes, usually.

Just signed in on Facebook after 6 months of avoiding it. Instant migraine.

I'm calling! http://t.co/D93hHRs