I made spaghetti for dinner. Want some?

Fuck you! This isn't Facebook. Get your own damn spaghetti!

Feeling sick this morning. A shot of vodka every time Michele Bachmann looked crazy during the debate last night was a bad decision.

A great new name for 'Abercrombie and Fitch' would be 'Abercrombie and Get Me The Fuck Out Of This Loud Stinky Whore Store'

Indian flight attendant on plane makes announcement. Couple behind us says "no hablo espanol." #hellomidwest

I like my women the same way as I like my coffee...given to me through the window at Tim Horton's

Motels may wanna take down that "Color TV" sign. We know.

Say "Back in my day." one more time, old people. ONE MORE MOTHERFUCKING TIME!!!

According to FOXNews there are 7 Continents: North America, South America, Asia, Antarctica, Europe, Australia and Hip-Hop.

Anyone who doesn't think I'm a classy lady can go fuck their grandma.

The only reason I got married is so I always had a human shield.

I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I would love to punch in the face.

If I ever won a Grammy I'd thank my husband first. Just kidding, I'd totally dump his ass.

It's always the stupid ones that go in for a battle of wits. The smart ones would rather outsmart you silently.

Is there anything worse than newly engaged women?

My wife likes to smile & wave at kids to let them know the world is a friendly place, I walk behind her flipping them off, cause it's not.

To anyone that has never invited me to a tractor pull. Keep up the good work.

I'd rather be spit on by a llama than hear one more word about your wedding plans.

Ignorance is Bliss: anyone who utters that statement has truly lost their soul, and has become nothing more than a set of physical reflexes.

No matter how you look on the outside, remember: It's what's on the inside that nobody cares about.

If depression had a sound it would be cat food leaving the can.