I haven't seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he's ok.

I think, therefore we have nothing in common.

I'm looking for friends with tax benefits.

Why do ppl do cocaine in the bathroom? If u were doing a drug that u had to sniff really hard, isn't someplace where people poop not ideal?

Stabbing at the phone with my finger will never help me vent my anger like slamming down the receiver used to.

Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.

Okay guys, seriously, thats enough. Let's all agree to stop drawing on Lil Wayne while he's passed out drunk.

I decided to face reality today. Won't be doing that again in a hurry.

You may have a hot body but I have a hot bucket of fried chicken so who’s the real winner here.

Seriously beginning to question why I picture you naked. I'm always disappointed.

We'll we'll we'll if it isn't autocorrect....

One of my fitness goals is to be able to lift an adult male, approximately the size of my boyfriend, into the trunk of my car w/o any help.

Operator: 9-1-1 please hold. Me: Ok. Wait, stop stabbing me for a sec. Murderer: K.

Whiskey and Ambien. When you absolutely, positively, have to wake up naked on your neighbors lawn holding a mailbox.

You wear a pirates outfit to PetSmart... you can walk out with like eight parrots on each shoulder and they can't say nothing.

My mom taught me all the really important stuff growing up. Like not to run with scissors when you can just throw them at your sibling.

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry but I’ve moved on.

If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.

If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.

I’m really good at keeping secrets because five minutes later I forget what you told me because I don’t care.