I told this really hot guy I want him to fuck me and he took off running... He's just going to get condoms, right?

Now I'm single again I miss that wonderful morning wood poking the small of my back... I do not, however, miss the jerk it was attached to!

At a wedding, all married men were asked to stand next to the person who made life worth living. The bartender was nearly crushed to death!

Nobody is ever COMPLETELY useless - they can always be used as a bad example

If you were the gas in my ass, i would never fart, for fear of losing you, coz you're the SHIT!! ;)

Oral sex is no longer called "69", it is now known as "96" due to the changing economy. The price of eating out has gone up!!

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

I just ate a pear that looked remarkably like a penis with a ballsack - it didn't last long either...

Dear Lord, if you can't make me a better person, don't stress - I'm having a great time just as I am... Sincerely, Me

My grandad always said calling someone a cunt is not an insult coz a cunt is a useful thing...

Japanese girl was making love& accidently farted... She quickly said: Me sorry; you make front hole so happy , back hole blow you a kiss!!

It's official - I'm seriously twisted! Girl at work asks if anyone knows of a leather shop nearby and my 1st thought was "Gimp Suit"... O.o

One of the larger girls at work is on a diet... Couldn't tell ya if it's working or not but her ass was hungry - trying to eat her pants!

Twitter's theme song: "Do you have the time, to listen to me whine, about nothing and everything all at once?"

Bruno Mar THINKS he's not doing anything today but he IS -Irritating the fucking crap outta me! When is he gonna catch that grenade already?

Some ppl are lucky that mirrors can't talk while others should count themselves fucking lucky that mirrors can't LAUGH!

If these two pregnant bitches at work do NOT leave me alone, the office will get to witness, not one, but TWO DIY abortions...

Non-tweeting friend: "what exactly do u do on twitter?" Me: "Embrace my inner-freak" Non-tweeting friend: confused stare

Don't know about you, but I think Billy Joe was lying all those years ago when he said "masturbation's lost its fun"

If ONE more of these letters comes back "address unknown", I am going to go fucking Postal!