For "fuck sake" or "for fuck's sake?" I need this email to sound professional.

My son touched the toilet seat in the Houston Airport bathroom. If you want a three-year old, we left him in the Houston Airport bathroom.

Twitter is Mystery Science Theater 3000 for current events.

I need to talk my wife into letting me take naked pictures of her. Otherwise I won't be able to explain these naked pictures of her.

For a tea party, they sure do drink a lot of Kool-Aid.

I got Macy Gray a glass of water. Ruined her career.

Where I'm from, we prefer to call him Iggy Soda.

The hardest part about being a parent is fighting the urge to tip more when you see a dancer's cesarean scar.

If I was Peyton Manning, I would cheer myself up by taking out my wallet and weighing it.

Lady Gaga arrested for DUI last night after crashing her spaceship into Kanye West's ego.

15-miute layover in Detroit. Stabbed twice.

Fuck the moon landing, my son just shit in a toilet.

My 3-year old son put on his pajamas without being asked to do so. My wife's 3-year old son forgot to wipe before putting on said pajamas.

My boy has passed out, ice cream sugar coma. I wrote "Dairy Queen" on his forehead with a Sharpie. Lightweight.

No amount of explanation is going to get that boy to believe that his mother was, in fact, doing push-ups on daddy.

Part of me says I can't keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don't listen to that guy. He's drunk."

Face down, ass up; that's the way I eat my soup.

Focaccia is Italian for "Can't bite through your sandwich."

I get my nepotism from my dad.

Spent the last fifteen minutes crying in the shower. That's what I get for using grown-up shampoo.