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For "fuck sake" or "for fuck's sake?" I need this email to sound professional.
My son touched the toilet seat in the Houston Airport bathroom. If you want a three-year old, we left him in the Houston Airport bathroom.
Twitter is Mystery Science Theater 3000 for current events.
I need to talk my wife into letting me take naked pictures of her. Otherwise I won't be able to explain these naked pictures of her.
For a tea party, they sure do drink a lot of Kool-Aid.
I got Macy Gray a glass of water. Ruined her career.
Where I'm from, we prefer to call him Iggy Soda.
The hardest part about being a parent is fighting the urge to tip more when you see a dancer's cesarean scar.
If I was Peyton Manning, I would cheer myself up by taking out my wallet and weighing it.
Lady Gaga arrested for DUI last night after crashing her spaceship into Kanye West's ego.
15-miute layover in Detroit. Stabbed twice.
Fuck the moon landing, my son just shit in a toilet.
My 3-year old son put on his pajamas without being asked to do so. My wife's 3-year old son forgot to wipe before putting on said pajamas.
My boy has passed out, ice cream sugar coma. I wrote "Dairy Queen" on his forehead with a Sharpie. Lightweight.
No amount of explanation is going to get that boy to believe that his mother was, in fact, doing push-ups on daddy.
Part of me says I can't keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don't listen to that guy. He's drunk."
Face down, ass up; that's the way I eat my soup.
Focaccia is Italian for "Can't bite through your sandwich."
I get my nepotism from my dad.
Spent the last fifteen minutes crying in the shower. That's what I get for using grown-up shampoo.