If you liked it then you should have put a fav on it.

Another day another...wait who stole my fucking dollar?

I swear I did not fall off the treadmill. My good man, I was attempting the moon walk and I clearly underestimated my exit speed.

You know you have been on Twitter too long when thoughts forming in your head have hash tags.
And not the smokey stuff either.

I think this coffee is broken.

I am so fucking eloquent and shit.

If you gave me a fish I would hit you with it.

If ever caught naked in a compromising situation do wear a brown bag over your head.
Not many people can recognise you by your genitals.

When you notice there is more water on your phone than on yourself it is time to put the phone away and finish showering.

Come to think of it, Archery would be more fun if someone popped out from behind the targets at random times and shot at the archers.

I'm bringing sexy back, as soon as i find it, beat it to a pulp, handcuff it & drag it's arse... wait, where am i supposed to take it again?

Why are all y'all following me?
Don't you have places to be, restraining orders to observe?

Can babies swim? How good are they at holding their breath? And they are waterproof to what depth?

You know when you hear someone scream for help you are supposed to hop out & help? Don't if you were hiding under your neighbour's bed.

I would quit cold turkey but damn, it tastes so good!

New maid: I don't do windows.
Me: But I only have Macs.

Oh looky here on the right, a star, *CLICK* it goes all glowy then turns a gorgeous red orangy colour!
Try it, its like magic!

Does this cranky make me look disgruntled?

I have a nagging feeling that what I am overhearing from my neighbour's house will shortly require me to vigorously crave a cigarette.

Strange that muffin tops discourage persons who would otherwise heartily eat your muffin.