The most I've ever paid for sex was 'marriage.'

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

Misunderstandings happen when one person is clearly stupid.

I don't understand single women that complain about it.

Do you realize that you have vaginas?

Lots of men like vaginas.

If Patrick Stewart had sex with Morgan Freeman, I'd believe anything their baby narrated to me.

Soft porn had me convinced the vagina was much higher up.

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

Stumbled in drunk after climbing through a broken window cause my keys didn't work and tripped over my dog and... when did I get a dog?

When a ginger goes crazy, I bet the shrink writes down "ginger snapped" - then laughs over mojitos with their shrink buddies.

After my wife found the $30 charge to Favstar, we called the card company to tell them the account had been compromised by "some idiot."

Why aren't you women happy like the ones in the tampon commercial?

Marriage. When dating goes too far.

I don't know why people bring stuff to my attention when I clearly ignored it the first time.

On every conference call, I turn on porn in the background... no one ever admits to hearing it... just lots of awkward silences...

The pet store keeps selling me hamsters.

The hamsters just float upside down all day in the tank.

Another batch of defective hamsters.

If anyone here fucks with you and you can't handle it, lemme know so I can fuck with you too.

Whenever I have trouble sleeping, I just ask my wife about her day.

"Just need a signature and... have a nice day." - Delivery Guy, obviously trying to sleep with me.

All my survival strategies involve eating people.

My wife conveniently leaves websites with expensive jewelry open for me. I conveniently leave sites with cheap Russian brides open for her.