Drugs don't ruin your career.

Drug tests do.

Blind people sure love walking their dogs.

It doesn't have to make sense, I have a vagina.

I once went over to MC Hammer's house and he didn't let me touch anything.

Rape whistles don't work. I blew one for ages and no one came to rape me.

"Jesus saves" of course he saves, he's a fucking Jew

You're as shallow as the grave I would dig you.

What doesn't kill you makes you handicapped and a burden on society.

My party trick is getting people to believe I was invited.

Inspirational tweet: If you kill yourself now, all your problems will disappear right away.

I hate when people ask you if you're still in bed as if you've committed murder.

Q. Which position produces the ugliest children?

A. Ask your mother.

Probably the worst way to get dumped is being thrown limbless into a river.

The ultimate rejection is when you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Our friends took sides after my divorce. They visit my ex every day and never visit me, even though my prison is on the way to his cemetery.

My safeword is "I love you"

All handicapped people are going to Hell. They could never make it up the Stairway to Heaven.

I was walking my dog in the cemetery, and said "Morning!" to a man crouching near a grave. "No, just shitting." he replied.

Don't end your life, take someone else's.

The police are looking for an armed robber.

I called, but I didn't get the job.