My mom asked me what twitter is. Only thing i could think to say was, "imagine if someone took a shit in your cereal and you still laughed".

Vaginas aren't supposed to lick you back, right?

When i'm right, I'm right. When I'm wrong, you're an asshole.

Oh sure, the TSA can cup my balls when I'm getting on a plane but I grab a flight attendants tits and I'm labeled a national security risk.

I may be shallow, but at least I'm awesome.

I'm about to receive my last blow job before the rapture tomorrow. I just wish it was from my wife and not this homeless guy.

Sometimes I wish I were black so white girls would like me.

I never leave my Christmas tree plugged in when I leave the house because that's how Zack Morris burned down the Max.

I left my heart in New York City but I left my semen in a couple of girls from Jersey.

Genital Warts are just the poorman's "ribbed for her pleasure" condoms.

II jjuusstt iinnvveenntteedd 33dd ttwweettiinngg. Ssuucckk oonn ttbhaatt PPiixxaarr.

None of my tweets seem to be very funny today. Well fuck you! Neither are yours.

I cum in my pants a little bit every time I find an onion ring mixed in with my fries at Burger King. It's the little things...

There's a big half eaten mushroom in my backyard. Also, there's a yellow Gorilla on my couch telling me i shouldn't have eaten that mushroom

In my family we stuff our turkey with insults and judgements.

"YORO" - Asians

Today I accidentally ran over my neighbors stupid mixed bichon poodle. The good new is I ran over my neighbors stupid mixed bichon poodle.

Sure, airbags are effective at saving your life in a crash, unless you're Pinhead from Hellraiser.

Nothing turns my dick's smile upside down like a woman with man hands.

What the hell is a "phone call"?