I feel extra American when I take my bra off after a long day and random bits of fried food fall out.

Overheard a black guy asking the waitress for some crackers, so I stood up and yelled "THATS OUR WORD!"

I'm not saying Cookie Bouquets are a bad idea, I'm just saying Whiskey Bouquets would be a better way to say pretty much anything.

The way to become friends with today's teens is to peek over your sunglasses and say "Hey daddy-o, I got any color beeper you could want."

The worst feeling in the world is being a married man without a wife to nag you,

Got an angry letter from "Cash 4 Gold," apparently they don't take chocolate wrappers and I need to "stop mailing my trash to them."

I would give up sex for the rest of my life if it meant never having to hear Tiny Dancer again.

If dolphins are so smart then how come none of them have iPhones?

My momma always said, "Life is like a box of chocolates, you don't get any of the good ones because you're unlovable!"

I have nightmares about taking a test where the questions are just pictures of food and the words, "How long should you microwave this?".

I'm really good at keeping secrets because I wasn't even listening to you anyways.

I wouldn't have guessed that at my age I would have so many boxes of twin-pops in the freezer.

Children, from best to worst:

1. None.
2. Some.

I will eat at Carl's Jr. as soon as somebody explains Carl Sr.'s heart attack.

Ever notice how some guys throw like a girl and now nobody will talk to me?

Drink until you need a kickstand.

Strange, I lost several creepy looking guy followers after saying guys that pick on women here can go fuck themselves. Mission Accomplished!

Does this Kilt make me look too Mexican?

I wish my face moisturized itself as well as my vagina does.

We see you, blind people, we see you (just rubbing it in).