I just called Papa John's to order a pizza and they asked if I wanted my very own Blockbuster franchise for only .99 cents more.

If you're going to get a neck tattoo, get one that says, "Team player with great communication skills."

Add a little excitement to your life by forgetting that your headphones are plugged into the computer when you stand up.

This PUSSY MAGNET t-shirt appears to be defective.

My current jogging style is "being attacked by invisible bats" mixed with a little "just got the leg braces off."

If Your Name Is Jeff,

Your GF was behind me at Starbucks telling her friend that she's going to ask to smell your dick when you get home.

Nothing says, "I think you're super gross," like bringing your own pillow to someone's house.

"I'll never be that brave," I muttered to myself, as I watched a pigeon eat an old band-aid.

My urologist just said, "Let me see your wee wee," and now I'm noticing that there are no college degrees on the walls of this van.

If "ball so hard" means eating not one but TWO Danimals yogurts then I just balled so fucking hard.

Hey, dudes with socks on under their sandals, leave some hot babes for the rest of us.

If you're wearing a top hat, I'll believe anything you tell me, especially if you tell me that you haven't had sex in years.

I know Cee Lo is doing well but what happened to the rest of The California Raisins?

I thought Lil Wayne was in the building but it turned out to be a toddler with a sinus infection.

I'm starting to regret my "Planking 4ever" tattoo.

Motion to add a Juggalo symbol to the coexist bumper sticker.

Do teens give each other hickeys anymore or do they just go straight to becoming parents?

I only do yoga to stay limbered up in case of demonic possession.

The announcer at the airport said, "Please report any suspicious baggage" so I told her about the time my cousin made me watch him jerk off.

In the under-appreciated 'Mambo No. 4,' Lou Bega names every Pokémon character.