Glanced at the Obituaries. How is it that people are dying in alphabetical order?

Just asked my Girlfriend why she gave me a dirty look. Her repsonse? "I didn't GIVE you anything; you EARNED that Sh!t."

Asked my Dad for relationship advice. Always says the same thing. "Is the Fucking you're getting worth the FUCKING you're getting?"

My porn name is Rick Dickulous

The waitress just smiled and winked. Both of our tips just went up.

You're only as old as the women you feel.

I feel like crawling into a hole right now. Is yours availiable?

You were unfollowed because of your delusion that the rest of us actually give a crap what your horoscope says.

I quit smoking so I'll have to satisfy my oral fixation on your vagina, ok.

A month ago I opened the package of eggs in the fridge, came on each one of them and put them back. Nothing happened. I think I'm infertile.

My business partner just said, "I hope the UPS Man comes." I told him, "Give him a blowjob; he probably will."

Is it okay to fake an addiction if you're only doing it to meet slutty vulnerable chicks at NA meetings? Asking for a friend.

watched stupid spider spin down the drain in a scalding bleach, comet, kaboom, scrubbing bubbles death swirl... Off 2 WRESTLE A BEAR!

I hope Barack finishes his Speech with "Durka Dirka, Bitches!"

Apparently, I'm an asshole. Carry on.

Ladies, for clarification, if I star your tweet I want to have sex with you. Also if I don't I still want to have sex with you.

Just married last Saturday. My Wife was mad at me for complimenting her by saying "It was much better than my first wedding!"

When will I receive my "High Balance Alert?"

I want to strip you down like a car in the ghetto.

Wife asked why I need pornography. Told her "I don't; take some photos of yourself w/ a cucumber sticking out of ur ass & I'll jerk2 those."