The first 500 people to RT this win eternal life. The next 500 win long life. Everyone after that gets average-length life plus two minutes.

You did NOT rock my asshole

Filling your vagina full of Skittles right before your gynecology appointment is a great ice-breaker and shows your doctor you're super fun.

Situations where I use to ask "Are U OK?!!" I now just assume they are NOT OK & immediately start CPR.

Related - I got 5 phn #'s today.

I need a hug. Not because I'm sad or anything. I just really miss human to human contact daily. Plus: hugging is my favorite

Of course I care about your feelings. You won't let me eat your pussy if I don't.

I just want to listen to Concrete Blonde and Garbage all day, but no......... I have to listen to New Age spa music...

@bobsaget it's late, so I read pain as penis.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
~Charlie Chaplin

White People: "You Dick Head" Black People: "Yoou bitch ass, hoe asss, pussy ass, nigga Fuck yo thirsty ass, ON MY MAMA! Bitch asss nigga!

Stop saying "I Wish" and start saying "I Will".

My new boyfriend keeps calling me day & night and it’s really getting to be annoying.

First thing tomorrow, I’m soundproofing the basement.

Moisturizer, but for your dry, cracked personality.

I wanna make love to you. In the mouth.

One time I sneezed during a lap dance and it was super awkward. With my butt. I sneezed with my butt. It was a fart.

I don't know what irony is bro but it sounds like woman's work

I can only orgasm if I can hear your baby crying from neglect in the next room.

The interior of every camaro smells like domestic violence & empty meth bags.

Dear @jtimberlake, it's 106 degrees in my town. Can I get the number to that bitch that cries rivers please?

Did you see that? I retweeted you, that means you can take me home to live with you.