Him: "You know, irregardless..."
Me: "Let me shut you the fuck up right there."

I like my sex how I like my tweets, "unprotected."

Call it a baptism all you want but I know a wet t-shirt contest when I see one.

"I typed Nickelback into Pandora and it told me to go fuck myself."

I bet cats made up that whole, "don't give dogs chocolate," stuff up.

The closest I'll ever get to being a superhero is hiding my true identity on Twitter.

Glee is coming out with a 3D movie and now I'm actually jealous of Helen Keller.

Twitter is PROOF that potheads can read and write. We may say stupid shit but at least we know where to put a comma,

If they made a sitcom about how much I check my FavStar. I would call it, "The ReFresh Prince of Bel-Air."

Just went on Facebook for the 1st time in three months, I forgot I have kids.

Do these skinny jeans make my balls looks sterile?

Hey Australia, when you star someone on FavStar. Does that little loading circle rotate counter-clockwise?

Nice try b d p and q but we know you're the same letter just break dancing to the ABCs.

Should I feed the rest of this bacon to the dogs? ~ Ex-wife

When women say, "stop undressing me with your eyes." I'm all like, "bitch I'll get arrested if I use my hands." Worst job interview ever.

If you say, "last night was a hoot." You better be a fucking owl. Because I'm throwing you off of a tree.

You down with OCD?

Yeah, you know me! 1234
Yeah, you know me! 1234
Yeah, you know me! 1234
Yeah, you know me! 1234
*spins around 4xs*

In honor of Chinese New Year, I will paint the town lead.

Thanks to the cold turkey method, I've quit smoking twenty seven times this week.

When my girlfriend tells me she's late. I say, "well maybe if you'd stop peeing on sticks and hurried the fuck up, you'd be there by now."