Land of the free. Home of the brave militarized police, violent protester arrests, indefinite detention, and internet censorship.

America is all about life, liberty, and the pursuit of cheese on everything.

There are people I will NEVER unfollow because I love them so much.


Unless they unfollow me…then fuck them

I lost my voice, so basically right now I am the perfect woman.

Obesity is not a laughing matter. Until they slip and fall. Now THAT'S hilarious.

Waking up to find James Gandolfini sitting on your face isn't normal. But on meth it is.

I need a break from life. A quick vacation or a blow job from a stranger.. I'd settle for a good parking spot at this point

If you watch all my parents' home movies backwards, you see a kid who looks less and less like he's gonna fuck up his whole life.

"Everyday I'm stutterin" - King's Speech

You had me at Goonies never day die.

Notorious B.I.G would be rolling in his grave if he knew how high I was getting off my own supply.

You know that part in '2 Fast 2 Furious' where Paul Walker stares at the girl, not the road while driving? Same thing, but with my iPhone.

You can either be ladylike or you can eat spaghetti, but you can't be both (I choose spaghetti).

I'm the R2D2 of having to do fucking EVERYTHING around here.

Gotta tell ya....It's not a roast without Greg Giraldo. R.I.P

People who throw bubble wrap away without popping at least one bubble just don't know how to live.

The good thing about Americans is that although they take all your resources and oil, they can also take a joke.

Best times to stay off twitter:
Mon.
Fri.
Sun.
Nat'l holidays
Nat'l tragedies
Football games
Awards shows

So basically, log in on Tuesdays.

Reese Witherspoon hit by a car while jogging. Motorist claims she just stood there like "a forehead trapped in the headlights."

Tomorrow's a Bad Day to Be a STORMTROOPER!!!!!