I hate NASCAR, does that make me a racist?

Fun Fact: Eating a lot poultry does not make you a better poet.

My New Year's resolution is to spend more time looking at the stars.




So, obviously I need to come up with better jokes.

Me and a year old hoodie is = to a bug and a shed exo-skeleton.

We're both to big to fit back into that old thing.

It's not so much that I wanna tweet, think of it more as my toilet has been bad and it needs to be punish.

If you don't pick up a WiFi connection in your house by now, then your walls are probably painted with lead.

Christmas is like Black Friday for Chinese restaurants.

Everyone is telling me to marry Christmas but I DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS!

This egg nog tastes like reindeer jizz.

Saw Spiderman & Batman at a charity and thought these two would never be seen in the same comic. That's when my "Get a Life Alert" went off.

Every link posted on Twitter is "The Weakest Link"

I saw Batman at the Salvation Army charity collection box tonight and I was like, " doesn't Bruce Wayne have enough money already?"

The NFL playoffs are coming soon and I can't wait for Denver fans to find out that Tim T-Blows.

Judging from all the hillbillies aliens have abducted. I bet, they think the Human race are just a bunch of idiots.

Ladies, I don't want a serious relationship. I just want to be your toyfriend.

If women are the vice versa of men and I pee a little everytime I poop. Does that mean they poop a little everytime they pee?

I shot myself in the foot starting Plaxico Buress in fantasy football this week.

I poop, there for I tweet.

I can't wait for the Glee kids to graduate! Just so this horrible show will finally be over.

For all the times they've thrown his name in your face, they should just call him Tim T-Bag.