Casual friday at the office is not the same as naked friday when working from home.

Todays staff meeting sure is off to an akward start.

The best way to survive any situation is to not look like food.

All I want a girl who loves me for my money but who sucks at math.

The only time I'll ever find myself attracted to a woman with facial piercings is if I've swallowed a magnet.

It's really hard to find good, quality porn these days.

You know the one where the horses are not circumcised.

The worst part of dating a really, really hot chick is having her seeing-eye dog sleep in the same bed as the two of you.

Tweeting is a lot like masturbating with an audience.

You really only do it for yourself but after a while you start to like the attention.

Nothing would change for me if I were bisexual except the fact that my rejection rate would increase by 100%.

It's not gay if you fantasize about a woman while a male friend jerks you off, right?

Asking for the friend.

I allways get the ribbed condoms but I put them on inside-out, for my pleasure.

1 month old just finished the whole bottle, threw up all over himself and started crying uncontrollably.

There is no doubt I'm the father.

I found my second gray pube the other day.

It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact that it was in my BigMac.

I got a great deal on tampons for all you ladies out there.
50% off if you get at least 3 boxes.

No strings attached.

Here you go Kentucky Fried Chicken, a new slogan, free to use:

KFC - The only thing missing is U.

If Epson made weapons there would be no wars.

The fucking ammo would cost more than the guns.

When read backwards, "strap on" makes even more sense.

According to my girlfriend, a hard-on does not count as a significant personal growth.

Given the fact that in asian porn the semen goes everywhere except the vagina I don't understand how there can be so many chinese people.

Slower, go slower.
To the right.
Yeah, that's it.


Fuck, I hate backseat drivers.

The only thing sadder than jerking off to scrambled porn and halfway through realising it's gay porn is to finish anyway.

Or so I've heard.