Just watched my friends birth video. Wow! Did you know after the baby is born a fucking jellyfish comes out? What else is hidden in there?

Whoa! Just walked in on a intervention. My family wants me to get help with my masturbation addiction.
Told them no, I can beat this myself

Neighbor kid came over to ask if I wanted to play in his fort.
The fuck kind of question is that?
Fuck yeah I want to play in his fort

Ex girlfriend called to tell me she lost her dad today. Apparently "he'll come back home" wasn't a good reply. She acts like someone died.

Just counted 13 veins in my ball sack..... what the hell have you done today?

I generally find myself looking at my date's boob's but this girl shaved her eyebrows off and drew them back on. Why? I NEED to know why.

Just asked directions from a ugly girl. I did exactly what she said and ended up at her house. You got me life, you got me!

Mom just texted me from France saying "I'm going to the eye full tower"
See what I'm dealing with here people.

Hey guys, I just walked outside and seen "real" people. It was weird, they were smiling and one even tried to talk to me.... Weird

why do I keep refreshing favstar thinking im going to get a retweet or fav? Im wasting lots internet porn time here people!!!

Calling yourself "The Devirginator" is not a good way to pick girls up. Trust me on this one.

Pro tip: Never...Ever...Ever, ever, EVER! T-bag your cat as a prank while she is sleeping. They don't like that shit! Related, my balls hurt

I tweet once a week and gain 5 followers a week. I tweet 5 times today and lost 8. I need to rethink my strategy.

Enough about me. How the hell are you motherfuckers? I see there's a lot of masturbation, regret, and unobtainable dreams but what's new?

You guys ever bored and stretch your nut sack in odd and unnatural positions? Haha, liars!

Stand back everybody! I took a college class one time on psychology, I got this twitter thing.

Fuck you and your 50 star tweet! I got 50 stars..... It took 550 tweets but goddammit I got 50 stars too!

Mom and dad asked me to sing at their 35th wedding anniversary. They're going to fucking love my version of 2live crews 'me so horny'.

Met a twitter follower today. It was really cool, she really likes my stuff. Thanks mom, you're the best!

Whenever mom calls and says "guess what I have" I always reply "squirrel Aids?". Mom doesn't call anymore.