There's not one...NOT ONE...documented account of Wolf Blitzer attacking a human unprovoked.

I once adopted a highway but gave it back a few years later when it developed behavioral problems.

When you're my size, no lake looks frozen enough.

Women have baby showers and men have shower babies.

Time machine completed. Going back and giving Hitler Netflix. Should keep him busy.

My growling stomach sounds like Tom Waits struggling with a shoelace knot.

In some countries, every day is Presidents' Day

If you have a pet squirrel and DON'T name him James Squirrel Jones, then we're done here.

This girl totally just dressed me in excessive layers with her eyes.

Propose to someone in Scrabble w/ MARRYME. She puts down YES but won't let my points count bc technically it's 2 words. I lay down NEVERMIND

Just saw the same stranger TWICE today...in NEW YORK CITY. Nice try, Matrix.

The fact is, I would purchase and wear cologne that smelled like toast.

The average Prince song has fathered 2.3 children.

@curlycomedy Why aren't you on every cover like Oprah is on hers!?!? http://t.co/0sW15RwR

Waiter, I'll have your finest gourmet Pringles.

Wiping your mouth on a strangers sleeve will lead to a fight 99% of the time. The other one percent? Love.

I hope by the end of SAFE HOUSE it's a SAFE HOME

I posed nude for the Mayan calendar. We're all gonna die.

I can get behind the idea of calling someone "Daytime Emmy" when they're being overly dramatic.

I've never jingled ALLLLL the way.