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There's not one...NOT ONE...documented account of Wolf Blitzer attacking a human unprovoked.
I once adopted a highway but gave it back a few years later when it developed behavioral problems.
When you're my size, no lake looks frozen enough.
Women have baby showers and men have shower babies.
I've never jingled ALLLLL the way.
Time machine completed. Going back and giving Hitler Netflix. Should keep him busy.
My growling stomach sounds like Tom Waits struggling with a shoelace knot.
In some countries, every day is Presidents' Day
If you have a pet squirrel and DON'T name him James Squirrel Jones, then we're done here.
This girl totally just dressed me in excessive layers with her eyes.
Propose to someone in Scrabble w/ MARRYME. She puts down YES but won't let my points count bc technically it's 2 words. I lay down NEVERMIND
Just saw the same stranger TWICE today...in NEW YORK CITY. Nice try, Matrix.
I'd like to caption every photo of me with "Before?"
The fact is, I would purchase and wear cologne that smelled like toast.
The average Prince song has fathered 2.3 children.
Waiter, I'll have your finest gourmet Pringles.
Wiping your mouth on a strangers sleeve will lead to a fight 99% of the time. The other one percent? Love.
I hope by the end of SAFE HOUSE it's a SAFE HOME
Former 6th grade class treasurer (1992-1993). Occasionally at PHIT & UCB-NY @KidsWithRickets