Anyone remember when kids weren't pussy's with food allergies & bicycle helmets?

Just got a txt from my only "real" friend. He told me to stop telling people we're friends!

I think it's hilarious that the reason Jehovah Witnesses' do NOT keep Halloween bcz they don't like "strangers" knocking on "their" doors!

Anyone know what those strange sounds were in my dark house creeping up on me? (Asking for afraid!)

I read somewhere that Rosie O'Donnell squats 350 lbs no problemo! It's just the wiping she has a problem with!

You know what they say about pimps... "Takes One To Hoe One!"

I don't ever apologize for who I am. That's what my family, friends, and neighbors are here for!

Gay dudes fake orgasms by spitting on their partner's back. Probably.

Wonder what that farmer ever did about those woodchucks chuckin' his wood?

"This hooker just caught me using her legwarmer for a sex towel... Sockward!" - Charlie Sheen in the 80's. Probably

Never been into gambling Casinos, but I've rolled the dice once by eating street vendor food. I spent the rest of that night shooting craps!

Was gona live tweet this old rerun of golden girls with my penis, but I just couldn't keep it hard after the opening credits.

I liked Kyra Sedgwick MUCH better the first time when she was Julia Roberts, who used to be Eric Roberts.

"Oh yeah? Well I can open my mouth and my whole face disappears!" Julia Roberts having pissing contest with Tom Hanks. Probably

"BEEF STROGANOFF?" I mean, How is that even possible with hooves?

I can't believe people try to say that actress Jennifer Lyle Lovett Hewlett Packer or whatever her name is no longer relevant in Hollywood.

"Rihanna Falls on Face on Stage During 'Loud' Tour Performance" I think someone needs to roll back that tape and see where Chris Brown was!

Whenever people tell me they are an "Indian" I always ask the following: Feather Or Dot? Casino or Convenient Store? Punjab or Peyote?

Everybody Loves Hyman #FailedTvShows

I hear you can get Shingles from masturbating with a Roofing Glove?