I tried to bring sexy back, but it made me drop it off a block from the house so no one saw us together.

Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called "babysitting". You're wrong. It's called "parenting". Not the same.

Twitter gave me the confidence to sit alone huddled over my phone laughing with strangers I've never met, but fantasize that they like me.

I'm gonna start a charity for a Thai boy named Phuck who lost his family in an asteroid hit. Call it "For Phuck's Sake". I'll keep the money

Next time a dude says "Pictures or it didn't happen", punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

Depression is a disease...not a choice. Also, telling someone who is depressed that they should choose not to be isn't helpful. Just saying.

Me: Hey, can I borrow your stapler?
Her: What's mine is yours.
Me: Cool. :: rubs her boob ::
Her: The fuck, Joey?!
Me: What? We had an itch.

I carry two crickets around in a small box so when I say something that isn't funny I can supply my own sound effects. They get real tired.

Ladies, if you say "I just worked out and I'm sweaty and gross.", any dude within earshot will translate that to, "Boobs, naked, sex, now."

I wish I was a lion. They walk around with mullets, have big dicks, and fight over women. Women should be fought over. And the dick thing.

I never use my cell phone while I'm pumping gas. I've read the reports on how unsafe that is. Oh, hang on a sec while I switch lanes quick.

Wanna unfollow me? :( ok, just fill out this form in triplicate, kick this puppy, and tell this little girl w/ cancer that there's no Santa.

You do not know awesome until you've spent a Sunday morning discussing the potential and theoretical genealogy between ewoks and care bears.

Pssh, ninja please!!

- Something you can only say to a ninja if you are, in fact, a ninja yourself.

People say, "You're turning into someone that isn't you." Maybe I'm exactly who I'm supposed/want to be, but you just didn't see "me" before

I star my own tweets.
...no I don't, but I've thought about it
...no I haven't...
...<< whispers >> yes I have....

My safe word is: "You are making me fall in love with you!"

I have nightmares that every tweet I write ends up 141 characters. No matter how much I chop or edit I can never make that last character fi

Twitter: Where you can be obnoxiously anonymous ... and you get a gold star