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You say "the wanker off baywatch"
I say "the bellend off knight rider"
Let's call the whole thing Hoff.
FOOL people into thinking you've had an @twoptwips RT by simply pinching his avi and writing via your name at the end
(Via @jcautomatic)
WOMEN. Don't get the Steak and the Blowjob mixed up on Valentines night. Blowjobs should be well done and steak should be rare
@twoptwips
Dog is pulling 3yo on a sledge. Dog stops for poo, sledge keeps going. Poo lands in sledge. Morning ruined.
I'm going to a christening later, the best bit about them is when they throw the baby into the crowd to see who's going to get pregnant next
I'm practising counting with the 3yo, he asked if I new any big numbers so I burst into Goldfinger by Shirley Bassey.
The weather must be bad here in Newcastle, I've just seen a woman going out for a drink with a coat on.
Fortunately I know where my children's teacher lives, I'm dropping them off there at 9am so she can work from home.
My choice.
PRETEND you're in a multi storey car park by simply driving round in circles with a piece of paper in your mouth.
@twoptwips
PREPARE yourself for the end of the world on Friday by simply giving a 3yo his breakfast in a bowl he's never seen before.
@twoptwips
Unless your giving birth to sextuplet clowns on unicycles I'm really not that bothered about seeing your ultrasound pictures. Sorry.
3 yo is on the trampoline eating a scotch egg.
He probably won't do this again until he's 35 and pissed up at a barbecue.
Me? Oh just making a rat out of hair clippings so the staff shit themselves when they come into work on Monday, you? pic.twitter.com/8iS4ogTdUB
I went for a Chinese meal with Luke Skywalker, he was using chopsticks but spilling food everywhere I said use the forks Luke, use the forks
I'm in the park.
4yo: I need a wee
Me: stand in the corner and do one there
*4yo stands in the corner and pisses facing the park*. FML
The best thing about being a hairdresser is that you can give your snowmen real hair. pic.twitter.com/3Hg5X9Ps
Chav at Salon door trying to be funny:
Do you shave fannies mate?
Me: No, I do pricks though, come in.
I once donated some sperm. The man shaking the charity bucket was not impressed though. 18+
