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You say "the wanker off baywatch"
I say "the bellend off knight rider"
Let's call the whole thing Hoff.
7yrs ago today men started doing sit down wee's.
Happy Birthday Twitter.
Dog is pulling 3yo on a sledge. Dog stops for poo, sledge keeps going. Poo lands in sledge. Morning ruined.
I'm going to a christening later, the best bit about them is when they throw the baby into the crowd to see who's going to get pregnant next
I'm practising counting with the 3yo, he asked if I new any big numbers so I burst into Goldfinger by Shirley Bassey.
The weather must be bad here in Newcastle, I've just seen a woman going out for a drink with a coat on.
Fortunately I know where my children's teacher lives, I'm dropping them off there at 9am so she can work from home.
Unless your giving birth to sextuplet clowns on unicycles I'm really not that bothered about seeing your ultrasound pictures. Sorry.
3 yo is on the trampoline eating a scotch egg.
He probably won't do this again until he's 35 and pissed up at a barbecue.
I went for a Chinese meal with Luke Skywalker, he was using chopsticks but spilling food everywhere I said use the forks Luke, use the forks
I'm in the park.
4yo: I need a wee
Me: stand in the corner and do one there
*4yo stands in the corner and pisses facing the park*. FML
Chav at Salon door trying to be funny:
Do you shave fannies mate?
Me: No, I do pricks though, come in.
I once donated some sperm. The man shaking the charity bucket was not impressed though. 18+