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Not sure why straight people are against gay marriage, they are the ones having gay babies.
Just visited neighbor's grave. This is where I'm going to bury him if he starts cutting his lawn at 7:30am on Sunday again.
My girlfriend loves me despite all of my eccentric behavior, like using her new curtains to clean off my penis after anal.
One of the sexiest moments is when a woman stops to take the time to put her hair in a ponytail before performing oral.
From the looks of the scrapes down the side of my car, last night I drove home by the sense of sound.
If your smartphone battery doesn't require charging daily, you aren't doing it right.
This Friday night sucks already. I was planning to huff paint, but my brother used the last of the Krylon to spraypaint 'cunt' on my car.
I hate when the woman I'm in bed with finds out I'm in a relationship with the woman that just opened the door and is throwing stuff at us.
I just heard the term "blowie". If all it takes is making it sound cute for you to do it more, we would have called it licky-num-nums.
There's something special about drinking a Pabst while sitting in a lawn chair in my underwear on a Sunday morning, on a stranger's porch.
When a girl sleeps around with a bunch of guys, she's a slut. When a guy does, he's just gay.
Funny how people pray for those affected by the hurricane. If praying worked, just pray for no hurricanes.
Tried to organize a flashmob at walmart. It wound up being me dancing alone shirtless to C&C music factory. Nobody noticed.
I read the bible when I'm at the airport and no one bothers me, especially since I blurt out "That's a bunch of bull" every 5 minutes.
I bet Marlie Matlin makes really annoying sex noises.
Apparently, some middle eastern convenience store cashiers are so violent that they have to keep them behind the counter bulletproof glass.
Real gentlemen clean accidental period blood drops from the toilet seat without saying a word
The crazy biker guy across the street is such a poser. Little does he know, the whole street can see his tv when he watches Glee
I can unlock the door, open it and make 40 paces through the house and get in bed without a sound completely hammered. That's ninja.
My kids are fans of Glee, Twilight and Nickelback. I have failed as a parent.
Adulterer, battered husband, psychic detective, forensic proctologist, vicodin enthusiast.