I've reached an age where if you don't see things my way then you're a fucking idiot. And I'm cool with that.

I find that the secret to being confident to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

If you think you may want to marry me someday, be prepared to want to divorce me someday too.

I wish my life was like an 80's movie and everything could be settled with a half assed race or regatta.

Go cry on Facebook. This is about drunk sex and bacon.
Also pandas. Sometimes.

I'm old. I can remember a time when you had to be a man. A time before caller ID.

What does this retard want?...(internal conversation, daily)

I own a liquor store.

I should have more followers on twitter than Justin Bieber.

People with a hot but tiny avi, straighten your fucking life out.

If you are a girl "in love" with a fictional character or actor / musician. Please get out of my life, because insane.

"No, I don't have a twitter account no idea what it even is, its like witchcraft I think."-me asked if I'm on twitter by anyone in my life.

I love Clint Eastwood, but he can kiss my ass about buying a German car. He made his cowboys movies in fucking Italy.

Sinatra with the top down. Perfect year, so far.

I'm not from Europe or a 16yo girl and I'm straight. SO that'll do soccer, that'll do.

FF sick puppies♿ @bk_blonde @prodigalsam @melvinofyork @sad_jake @mzizc3 @divadilemmaz @ms_moneypenny_ @skayreis @micksnark @chieftwittler

Define irony: the first real flying saucer is leaving Earth and landing on Mars.

Fuck it all. Walking into a buzzsaw. I hate women.

Someone told me today that I remind them of Alex P. Keaton, mission accomplished!

Its nice to achieve a lifelong goal.

Forget this mega millions craze.
I need a wacky rich girl with plenty of money and daddy issues. #DontSettleForLess

Tramp and The Tramp #sadsequels @d0ndonzz @bazecraze