“what?! how did you get this number?”
-suuuper paranoid math teacher

Oh how you've grown grandma. Last time I saw you you were only this size! *ruffles her hair* *gives her ridiculously small amount of money*

There's nothing quite as exciting as taking a dump in a stranger's house.

If I were President of the United States, I'd just fart loudly on everyone's food because what the fuck are you gonna do about it?

Excuse me, ma'am? I noticed you from across the bar and you gave me quite a violent erection. May I buy you a drink?

I would like to celebrate meeting my ex by throwing a parade in the honor of whatever the polar opposite of a celebration is.

"Mmm! Macaroni and cheese!" - Yankee Doodle, devouring a bowl of hat feathers and cheese

We built this city on Dwayne Johnson and the motion that I make with my eyes whenever I see him in a movie.

Went to Trader Joes without my own shopping bags and they pelted me with gluten free, organic oats

If I hear a song I like, I will listen to it 470 times in a row by myself like a normal person.

The sexual frustration at the teenage bird callers competition is palpable.

No, I said I wanted the D, not the d.

I like to look up different types of drugs and imagine how life would be like if I were addicted to them

The best way to calm an angry person down is to point at their shirt and when they look down you flick their nose gently.

Horses use hay to make big ‘ol horse nests where they lay their eggs.

If I'm ever choking to death at a restaurant I'm going to start masturbating ferociously to try and enjoy it.

Super cute conversation I just had with my 3 year old: Bring me a beer.

PRO TIP: When shopping for a mini-van, don't ask how many passengers it can hold, but rather how many weeks worth of garbage.

Girl, you play your cards right and you won't even be alive in the morning.

I'm opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my "Whites Only!" restaurant idea will be a hit!