My girlfriend is playing this elaborate prank where she marries another guy and has a family with him

"Let's have a 90 minute conversation about the 3 minute conversation I had earlier at work"

- Women

If you see a drunk woman crying tonight, ask her if its because she's gross

How to win a girl over: Send her a "good morning beautiful" text one day and then be an asshole for the next 5 years

Just laid on my floor to do sit-ups and fell asleep for 15 minutes

Kid I went to high school with is an executive at Google and I yelled into a closed Taco Bell drive thru window last night

That guy who would walk 500 miles and then would walk 500 more for that girl probably got friend zoned when he got there

Cocaine is good if you wanna have screaming conversations with your friends about opening up a bar without blinking.

I'm gonna stand outside a beauty salon today and just say "nope" to every woman who walks out

Girl sent me a pic in a dress and said "Does this look good" and my phone autocorrected "yuppp" to "Hippo" so I'm never talking to her again

Girls, stop saying you like nerds. You mean you like assholes who wear glasses.

If you've never pretended to die in front of your dog then unfollow me

Password invalid: Password must contain 6 letters, 4 numbers, 4 rhymes, 1 algorithm, 1 sonnet, 1 haiku, 17 irrational numbers, and 3 commas

My girlfriend just turned around at the mall and said "why the fuck are you following me?" .. she's crazy we have fun

"Is this girl seriously trying to talk to me when she doesn't even have a fucking thigh gap?"

- Something no man has ever thought or said

When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply by 3 and add the number of guys in her phone named Tyler

1. Go to  http://www.gizoogle.net 
2. Type in your @ name
3. Press Enter
4. Thank me later

Girls complaining all guys are the same, nobody told you to try all of them.

I'm social but I'm not "speak in an elevator" social

The secret to happiness is to get over your fucking ex