I had to sit with the kids at thanksgiving again. These losers can't hold their alcohol.

YES! Finally got 50-stars!!!

Wait....What?

They have to be on the SAME tweet?

Fuck this game.

Tripped over cords and broke the conference phone. Meeting adjourned.

I may not be graceful, but I am clever.


And drunk.

Your bad pick up lines say "I'm single" and your Ed Hardy says "I know why."

Your status updates make me want to punch you in the facebook.

I'm not sure if its an insult to my cooking or a compliment to my drinking. But every holiday I get assigned to bring the wine.

This popsicle is about to get really lucky.

Don't worry WSU football, I didn't score today either.

I wish more people shared my personal gym attire philosophy: spandex is a privilege, not a right.

My boyfriend is out of town. So Jesus is my Valentine.

I hope he puts out.

She had a "gut feeling" about it. And her gut is fucking huge so I'd say it's a safe bet.

Tweetie keeps deleting my tweets. I apologize for all the brilliant and original commentary both of my followers are missing out on.

Pretty sure I'll get fired today after IT sees how much I've been not working. Or when my boss sees how much I'm not wearing pants.

Sleeping my way to the top is no longer an effective success strategy. Damn nepotism.

Sometimes I think by boyfriend only dates me for Twitter material.

Whenever my outlook on life isn't *quite* bleak enough, I just watch Glenn Beck and I'm consumed with hopelessness again.

My friend just turned 21 and doesn't want to go to the bars. What the hell is wrong with kids these days?

If @barackobama wants to win the crowd tonight he'll open with an iPad joke.

I'm not sure I've ever loved anything as much as my friend loves his dog. Except for maybe this vodka.

I've said it to others, but never really meant it until now. I LOVE YOU, ketchup. Let's never leave eachother!