HA! A church group blocked me... Less than 12 hours. That's a personal best! Cheers Bitches!!

She says, "So... you wanna get sweaty?" I'm all, "SURE!" She's like, "Cool. The lawnmower's in the garage..." #SHUNNED #DENIED #OHSNAP

I have 555 followers... which I guess means I'm Satan's retarded little cousin. #ImNotWearingThatHelmet

Don't look so surprised... I am completely immune to shame.

Just finished the trap door on the other side of my desk. Now I just have to get the alligators down there without anyone noticing.

Dude just left the washroom without washing his hands. Guss I'm playing the "Match Those Shoes" game for the rest of the day. #NASTY

I'm considering changing my avi to a hot ass or something... and just watch my follower list fly!! #PERVSRULE

Call me crazy... but I half expected Lady Gaga's "New beau" to be a human centipede made from KD Lang, Boy George & Kelly Osbourne.

SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Going forward, if I have to request to follow you, please pucker slightly and kiss my lily white ass. Thank You.

Everytime Lady Gaga sings, an angel gets eaten by Michael Jackson.

These candy canes look a lot like meat hooks....

"Someday, I'll run you over with a truck or something." ~ What I say to myself every time I read an "inspirational" tweet.

Changing my avi to got more followers... ass or boobs? Hmmm.... tough choice.

Friend's new boyfriend: I'm in the Army Reserves.. part time. Me: That's the military equivalent of saying, "You go first!!" #cricketsounds

Anything can be twisted to sound like a conspiracy when you're an idiot.

10 more to 900! My 900th follower gets a big sloppy kiss on the lips!! Note: Dudes are ineligible for the "sloppy kiss giveaway". #Be900

Lady Gaga... Meh. I liked her better when she was Hannah Montana.

Told you it was all about the hats, bitches!! #popetweets

Might be the scotch.. but I'm sure I just saw Babygirl run bucknaked past the window. *Wife runs after her* Oh good, it's not the scotch.

This is the 3rd time in a month I've heard KD Lang playing... and 3rd time in a month I'm going to pierce my own eardrums. *sharpens pencil