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GIVE A MAN A BRO, HE'LL CHILL 4 A DAY. TEACH A MAN TO CHILL, HE'LL HAVE BROS 4 LIFE. #SNACKTHEPLANET
I just figured out I'm a @blackrepublican. 2nd best move I ever made on twitter was following them.
Here's a link to every Dadboner tweet since the beginning: http://t.co/9waPH74Q
JUST DROVE OVER A BOTTLE OF @axe BODY WASH. MY CAR SMELLS LIKE A RAPIST NOW.
Sure wish my butthole wife would stop making vine videos of me when I'm doing push-ups in secret.
I MET A GIRL ON TWITTER 4 MONTHS AGO ON THE "SIMILAR TO" AREA OF @dadboner, FELL IN LOVE IMMEDIATELY AND NOW WE'RE ENGAGED. I OWE U 1, KARL.
I haven't smoked at all today and I feel like a million bucks. Awesome thing is, I'm gonna feel like 5 million after I smoke this cigarette.
Got tired of "noise battle" with upstairs neighbor so I poured some gasoline under his door to let him know I'm the crazier one.
.@sorewarding got a little shout-out on @forbes.com: 3 Global Leadership Lessons from Boston http://onforb.es/12yQtBF
@killcrocodiles Nobody covers songs better than you guys. Weird compliment, I know, but the touch you put on a song is just killer.
Overheard: "Is it weird that the Persian lady that did my Brazilian wax texted me on my wedding day 'Happy married!'?"
Our company (@sorewarding) got another write-up on @techcrunch: http://t.co/d5WnXpjb
I wish there was a turd icon for your LEAST favorite tweets kinda like there's a star for your favorites. I would turd all my wife's tweets.
I HATE FACEBOOK BECAUSE OF EVERYONE'S DUMB POLITICAL RHETORIC. I LOVE TWITTER BECAUSE OF EVERYONE'S DUMB POLITICAL RHETORIC.
GOT THIS IN THE MAIL. I GUESS NETFLIX SELLS YOUR INFO.
IN OTHER NEWS, I CAN LEGALLY VOTE, DRINK, AND PROCREATE. http://t.co/wslpESgd
THOUGHT GF WAS BEIN CUTE AND FESTIVE BY DRESSING AS RUDOLPH FOR MY NIECE AND NEPHEW. TURNS OUT ITS JUST A GIANT UNDERGROUND ZIT ON HER NOSE.
POSTMODERN, BUT BEFORE IT BECAME FASHIONABLE.
