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GIVE A MAN A BRO, HE'LL CHILL 4 A DAY. TEACH A MAN TO CHILL, HE'LL HAVE BROS 4 LIFE. #SNACKTHEPLANET
Sure wish my butthole wife would stop making vine videos of me when I'm doing push-ups in secret.
Keila has a cold sore. Please retweet.
I haven't smoked at all today and I feel like a million bucks. Awesome thing is, I'm gonna feel like 5 million after I smoke this cigarette.
Got tired of "noise battle" with upstairs neighbor so I poured some gasoline under his door to let him know I'm the crazier one.
Overheard: "Is it weird that the Persian lady that did my Brazilian wax texted me on my wedding day 'Happy married!'?"
I wish there was a turd icon for your LEAST favorite tweets kinda like there's a star for your favorites. I would turd all my wife's tweets.
I HATE FACEBOOK BECAUSE OF EVERYONE'S DUMB POLITICAL RHETORIC. I LOVE TWITTER BECAUSE OF EVERYONE'S DUMB POLITICAL RHETORIC.
THOUGHT GF WAS BEIN CUTE AND FESTIVE BY DRESSING AS RUDOLPH FOR MY NIECE AND NEPHEW. TURNS OUT ITS JUST A GIANT UNDERGROUND ZIT ON HER NOSE.