I star you, you star me.
I RT you, you RT me.
I show up at your house, you call the cops.
This is the worst game ever!

Woke up with the idea of saving the world today.
Its now 4pm, I've yet to shower and ate 2 hotdogs.
Let's see how tomorrow pans out.

I'm not saying I'm a true romantic but let's gets shit faced and build this Lego Death Star together.

The first rule of Twitter Wife Club is not to tell Real Life Wife Club.

My go to move is staring you down as my straw penetrates my Capri Sun.

Things I excel at:
1) not gettin throat punched on the regular
2) air judo chops anytime anywhere
4) removin my socks all seductive in shit

The main reason I wear a tiara to bed is whoever finds my corpse has no reason to think I wasn't a classy motherfucker.

Nobody and I mean nobody takes you seriously if you don't spread the peanut butter right to the edge of the toast.

Me: I aammm Irronnnmannn
Cat: not this again
Me:
Cat: what you are is a 36yr man child with a thimble in his belly button
Me:
Cat: burn

Rug burns show you're willing to commit.

So when you say "unproductive" are you referring to the 2 bags of Doritos I ate or the 36 Origami Dragons I made you?
Riddle me that mom!

I can honestly say I'm most grateful that I've never been hunted for sport.

Things I'm not proud of:
1) I clean shaved once.
2) Being escorted out of a Panda Express buffet.
3) Recording my own album of Adele hits.

I never get RT's because I know you all like to keep me for yourselves.

Me: wanna watch tv
Cat: no
Me:
Cat: juggle for me
Me: what do you want to see me juggle
Cat: ur emotions
Me:
Cat: start with sobbing
Me:

Cat: walks in bedroom* totally awesome
Me:
Cat: you sung amazin. Sounded like Steven Tyler
Me: I was cryin
Cat: do Walk this Way
Me:
Cat:

Im just a guy standing in front of you with a Lego Millenium Falcon and an Old El Peso taco kit.
With the good cheese!
Asking you to love me

They say you'll see the light when you've hit rock bottom.
Personally I see Twix wrappers, and a nap shortly.
Who's the optimist now?

Is shitfaced one or two words?

If I've learnt anything in life, the tassels on my bmx don't give me any type of street cred what so ever.