Can we all agree to just start spelling it 'Wensday'?

I'm coming for you next, raspberries.

Do these sweat pants make me look unemployed?

The sound of children's laughter is a beautiful reminder to buy condoms.

Hey all you women with your sexy avis and your suggestive tweets, *yawn*.

The only way you'll ever see me out on a dance floor is if I'm taking a shortcut to get to the bar.

Fact: Weed has ZERO calories. The gradual loss of your memory is just an added bonus!

I'm pretty sure the best part of doing pilates is the part where you tell everyone you do pilates.

Is it still considered crazy if the voices in my head are meowing?

The world is the best place, ever! -my puppy, everyday

Pavlov's cat would have given him the finger then went and shit next to the litter box.

Sure, I like Obama, but what has he done to protect us from more Tyler Perry movies?

Getting new followers is like getting Christmas presents. Except those egg ones, they're like getting granny panties from your mom.

Men in uniforms never follow me. Except the ones that are all like, 'Miss, were you gonna pay for that?'

Moving at the speed of sloth today.

Unless you're six years old, please stop referring to your sandwich as a 'sammich'. Thanks.

Giving stars on Twitter is the equivalent of petting, giving RT's is going all the way! Nobody ever wants to go all the way with me. : (

Chicks with a little bit of facial hair are hot! -man of my dreams

Question: At what age should you tell your cats that they're adopted?

It's about to rain here, so right now all my friends are getting super excited to update their Facebook statuses.

Hey Fox News, shut the fuck up.

Sincerely, everyone who has a brain.