I'm always excited when I hear the intro to Under Pressure and then immediately disappointed when it's not Ice Ice Baby.

I'm too legit too quit. I am not however too legit to come in late for a while until I get written up and eventually fired.

Thats weird. The bidet at this gym looks exactly like a water fountain. 

I don't think local sluts want to fuck as much as my spam mail would have me believe.

Carving your initials into a tree and surrounding it by a heart used to be how you change your relationship status without facebook. 

I miss Left Eye .(

So, you're telling me that neither a professor, nor a colonel could solve a murder at a dinner party in which only 6 people attended?

Steal like no ones watching. Fuck dancing.

It's really pissing me off today that I missed the opportunity to name my cat Jean Clawed VanDamme

I feel weird when my kitten walks across my body in the morning and trips over my boner like its a parking median she didn't see.

Girlfriend's out of town so I'm just raw doggin' it. Thats what i call eating uncooked hotdogs straight out of the package. 

'yeah, but what if we could blow our noses into a wet pocket rag more than once!'- the disgusting person whom invented the handkerchief. 

WARNING: magic mike is not about a microphone that makes bad singers good. I repeat; the movie title is misleading!

I'm not sure if that guy was yelling "Hey, whore. Hey!" or "Hey, Jorge!". Either way I'm not getting involved.

I don't trust Lance Armatrong's apology. He's probably on some sort of apology enhancing drug.

Sir Isaac Newton: don't you understand the gravity of this situation?

Sir Isaac Newton's friend: I've never heard that word before. 

All my farts sound like a creaky secret bookshelf from a murder mystrey house. My butt is spooky.

Cauliflower smells like boiled used diapers but tastes like boiled new diapers.

Is it bad when your pee is steaming? Asking for a family member. You know, my brothers, brother.... Me. I'm asking for me. I have steamy pee

'yo! You guys don't remember? it's me, Johnny Bagpipes' - An Italian guy trying to sneak into a Scottish wedding.