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There are many people more deserving of a remote-controlled shock collar than just about any dog I ever met.
It's twitter, there doesn't have to be a point.
Men think of arguments as single isolated events. Women, in my experience, think of them as installments in some sort of perpetual continuum
The world would be a better place if everyone had to fix what they broke.
Every once in awhile, somebody says something here that makes you think this is more than just a beautiful waste of time.
If the woman in your life knows which battery brand lasts longest, you're in second place.
If I ask you casually how you are, you have less than 2 seconds to make your point unless you're funny, hot or have valuable info for me.
If you're with someone long enough, they will eat one particular food item in a way that taps into the side of you that's vaguely homicidal.
It concerns me that I get some of you.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can't spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
True Fact: The husband who is good at pleasuring his wife gets away with a helluva lot more than the one who doesn't.
Gossip runs fastest on the flat track of dull minds.
Don't try me. I can make things get weird fast.
The hottest thing about a woman?
-Some fucking liar
Beauty of any kind is endlessly fascinating.
I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.
-Me, to myself, reading old tweets.
There'd be less clamor in the world if people were required to know what they were talking about before forming a death grip on an opinion.
Excessively perky morning people make me wish I had a steamroller and the element of surprise.
I look forward to the day when I am finally done paying for the transgressions of the guys my wife dated before I even knew her.
Mixed metaphors make me want to pull your hair out. And people who say "irregardless" probably wouldn't if they got punched in the face.
My dog says I'm poignant, just not relevant. NSFW 21+