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Hey @gselevator want me to write your book for you too? http://gawker.com/goldman-sachs-elevator-is-a-plagiarist-1531583556 …
If I owned a late model Lexus I'd put a giant bow on it and park it outside of strangers houses on Christmas morning just to fuck with them.
I got excited when I was told that most girls use "huge dick" to describe me, then I found out they were referring to my personality.
St. Patricks Day- a time to get abusively drunk and puke in the streets by mid-afternoon. Or as the actual Irish call it, "Thursday".
A text that simply reads "We need to talk." is a great way to mess with someone's head.
Employment stats must be looking up, millions of cancer cells just got Jobs. #toosoon
The thing I look most forward to about becoming a husband and father is that day I go out to buy cigarettes and never come back.
Sometimes I think my sense of elitism is completely unwarranted, but then I meet other people.
"Yeeaah, not gonna do that." - My inner monologue 90% of the time anyone gives me advice, suggestions, directions, or orders.
My preferred method of birth control is just not answering calls after.
I'm currently in Columbus, Ohio in case you were wondering who still buys Coach purses.
Just saw a toddler yell "you're boring" to a woman her mom was talking to, punch her in the leg and walk away. That kid is my fucking hero.
I'd like to find one girl that I really fucking love, but I'll settle for a few that I really love fucking.
I must be getting older. Last night I roofied a girl just for the peace and quiet. #maturity
I feel like at this point most people have actually forgotten about Dre.
Seriously? A handjob? What are you, fifteen? Oh...Right. Carry on then.
Glad the "Ed Hardy/Affliction" douche is a different breed from the "shoes with the individual toes" douche, that combo would be unbearable.