Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
If I owned a late model Lexus I'd put a giant bow on it and park it outside of strangers houses on Christmas morning just to fuck with them.
I got excited when I was told that most girls use "huge dick" to describe me, then I found out they were referring to my personality.
St. Patricks Day- a time to get abusively drunk and puke in the streets by mid-afternoon. Or as the actual Irish call it, "Thursday".
A text that simply reads "We need to talk." is a great way to mess with someone's head.
Employment stats must be looking up, millions of cancer cells just got Jobs. #toosoon
The thing I look most forward to about becoming a husband and father is that day I go out to buy cigarettes and never come back.
Sometimes I think my sense of elitism is completely unwarranted, but then I meet other people.
My preferred method of birth control is just not answering calls after.
Just saw a toddler yell "you're boring" to a woman her mom was talking to, punch her in the leg and walk away. That kid is my fucking hero.
I must be getting older. Last night I roofied a girl just for the peace and quiet. #maturity
I feel like at this point most people have actually forgotten about Dre.
Seriously? A handjob? What are you, fifteen? Oh...Right. Carry on then.
Glad the "Ed Hardy/Affliction" douche is a different breed from the "shoes with the individual toes" douche, that combo would be unbearable.
Condoms? In THIS economy?
"Yeeaah, not gonna do that." - My inner monologue 90% of the time anyone gives me advice, suggestions, directions, or orders.
If you're entertaining people in your own home and you're wearing anything other than a silk or velvet robe you're doing life wrong.
In 1994 Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes burnt her boyfriend's mansion to the ground and a 12 year old me learned everything I need to know about women
If your Facebook profile photo is you on a private jet, it's the only time you've ever been on a private jet.
I'd like to find one girl that I really fucking love, but I'll settle for a few that I really love fucking.