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If someone, somewhere hasn't opened up a car dealership called "Liam Nissan" I'm dissapointed with us all as a whole.
Sorry I prioritized making an obscene amount of money over being an active father. Here's a horse.
If I owned a late model Lexus I'd put a giant bow on it and park it outside of strangers houses on Christmas morning just to fuck with them.
I got excited when I was told that most girls use "huge dick" to describe me, then I found out they were referring to my personality.
St. Patricks Day- a time to get abusively drunk and puke in the streets by mid-afternoon. Or as the actual Irish call it, "Thursday".
A text that simply reads "We need to talk." is a great way to mess with someone's head.
Employment stats must be looking up, millions of cancer cells just got Jobs. #toosoon
The thing I look most forward to about becoming a husband and father is that day I go out to buy cigarettes and never come back.
Sometimes I think my sense of elitism is completely unwarranted, but then I meet other people.
"Yeeaah, not gonna do that." - My inner monologue 90% of the time anyone gives me advice, suggestions, directions, or orders.
I'm sure it's a "sick deal" that's gonna make "serious loot" but I'm gonna save my investment decisions til you're on a little less cocaine.
My preferred method of birth control is just not answering calls after.
I live in a never ending fear that people who I work with every single day are going to ask me what their names are.
I'm currently in Columbus, Ohio in case you were wondering who still buys Coach purses.
Just saw a toddler yell "you're boring" to a woman her mom was talking to, punch her in the leg and walk away. That kid is my fucking hero.
I'd like to find one girl that I really fucking love, but I'll settle for a few that I really love fucking.
I must be getting older. Last night I roofied a girl just for the peace and quiet. #maturity
I'm fucking incredible.
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