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I've discovered the Secret to Ultimate Happiness! Unfortunately, it's 148 characters long, so I can't tell you what it is.
If I had a small ray gun that could render the people I shoot at unable to breed, I wouldn't have time to do anything else.
Shouldn't Richard Simmons look fit by now?
Twitter. The Bermuda Triangle of social media. People open accounts and are never seen by their loved ones again.
I got a note from a sad, suicidal friend, claiming he never ever does anything right. Was I wrong to correct his spelling and give it back?
Because of the Internet, we can form friendships with people in other countries. Who will probably never ask us to help them move, so SCORE!
I don't think Barnes & Noble even realizes that "Religious Fiction" is redundant.
Last night, I ran two miles. It was the worst three and half hours of my life!
Parenthood. The ultimate sexually transmitted disease.
Why don't they just MAKE plastic food containers that are the color of tomato sauce and save us all a lot of cleaning time?
Dance like you have the use of both legs.
When the Customs guy asked if I had anything to declare, evidently "a thumb war" was not the right answer. My thumb STILL hurts.
I wouldn't be so insecure about my looks if my parents hadn't hired an actor to play me in home movies.
My father was one of the Ramones. My mom couldn't really be more specific than that.
Yes, "bidet" is an odd name for it, but the term "butt fountain" was already taken.
I don't really WANT to hate people, but so many of them seem to insist.
It may be Valentine's Day to you people, but to me it's Chocolates-On-Sale Eve.
I live in such a crappy part of town that even our neighbourhood Spiderman isn't friendly.
Fox News. Making ignorant people into ignorant and angry people since 1996.
I am NOT unemployed. I'm just a stay-at-home dad who decided not to have children.
Greetings from Dallas, the city of large blonde hair. My family found me on Facebook, so I'm on Twitter now.