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Here's why signing in is good for you.
Popular people need to remember that their popularity is determined by how much unpopular people like them.
So when I talk to my imaginary friend, I'm "crazy," but when you talk to yours, you're "religious"?
Tweeters who protect their tweets are like people at a party who would rather talk on their cell phone.
I've nicknamed my cute, shirtless, 17 year old neighbor Next Year.
My whole life, I've said whacky things & gotten blank stares.
On Twitter, those same thoughts get me gold stars.
I've found my calling...
Clitoris is a hard little bitch and can take a lot of abuse, because she grew up in the hood.
I wish it was my job to sit around laughing at tweets all day. Actually, he is unaware, but that's what my boss is paying me to do anyway.
A bottle of Grey Goose is so expensive, but tonight I'm gonna party like it's $19.99.
If you get hungry, you always have the option to eat me.
I'm the snack that smiles back!
What I really want is a man who knows when to treat me like a lady, a little girl, and a slut. Possibly all within 5 minutes.
Not to make you jealous, but I can pretty much automatically tell when two people are identical twins.
Twitter: So you can carry all of your favorite people around in your pocket.
If you're 19 years old and refer to your childhood as "back in the day," I will spank you and put you in a timeout!
Tonight, I'm playing strip Twitter and removing one piece of clothing every time someone re-tweets me.
I’m so addicted to Favstar that I’ll be confused if my future husband doesn't propose by sticking a gold star to my forehead.
I probably killed that spider the first time I hit it with my shoe, but I hit it 20 more times in rapid succession just to be sure.
You're going to love me at least half the time.
