RT @ThePHenry2012 Give me liberty, or give me store credit.

Tebowing=Linsanity=it's marketing. If you want attention, you give it a catchy name. "Jeff Gordon Drives Fast" doesn't have the same ring.

Remember when you turned on ESPN, and there was nothing but Tebow? Those were the days.

I need a regime change in my underpants.

I can't tell whether Newt is running for pres-o-dent, or trying to sell me car insurance.

Too bad they only brought red white and blue confetti. Embar-a-sssing.

It's cool how George Lucas let the NFL play the Super Bowl in his Imperial Starship refueling hanger.

Nuclear power plant? N.I.M.B.Y.

Milkshakes? O.K.I.M.B.Y.

Got MLK?

If you call me a filthy, useless douchebag, I'll take it as a compliment.

But then again, I don't really understand how compliments work.

2b or not 2b? Bingo!

I can never do a crazy stunt around Mario, cause he always tries to 1-up me.

I'm writing a script about Bin Laden's burial. Unfortunately, there's no plot.

Jan 2012: New Law Says Children of Richest 1% Must Enlist and Fight All Future Wars.



Jan 2312: World Celebrates 300 Years of Peace.

Have you ever had a garden hose suddenly and violently unkink in your hand? Yeah, I slept on it wrong.

Currently making shirt that says, "Mom and Dad went on a Honeymoon 37 years ago, and all I got was this lousy life".

Humans seem to find chickens easier to kill for food than cows. Is it because birds don't have arms? Imagine a bucket of KFC chicken hands.

Craziest thing about John Hinckley's diary entries? He still has a diary. It's called Facebook jerk, get with the times.

Fix economy idea #5: Money Day: A holiday where the rich can make fun of poor people, and flaunt their wealth by buying outrageous crap.

Quiet person: OK.

Quiet person that walks and moves slowly: Axe murder.