I still think it would be easier for everyone if my therapist just followed me on Twitter instead of having these annoying monthly sessions.

I can count on you guys if I need an alibi tonight, right?

If that mockingbird don't sing,

Use your imagination cuz mommy lost the receipt.

Myspace: a place for friends.

Facebook: a place for acquaintances.

Twitter: the island of misfit toys.

Hush little baby, don't say a word,

You're working mommy's last nerve and physical discipline at this age is frowned upon.

All these people bragging about 50-100 star tweets make me feel inferior. 5 is my max! Fix this you worthless followers of mine!

Tomorrow I will post a picture so cute, it will make your eyes bleed.

Or Sunday, cuz I might forget.

Either way, there will be blood.

Sitting inthe bathroom tweeting away while the child screams downstairs...

I DO have a job to neglect!

It feels good to fit in.

My therapist should follow me on Twitter. Our appointments would be a lot shorter.

Does this trash bag full of fun sized candy wrappers make my self-loathing look big?

I've noticed I automatically try to shorten anything I write into 140 characters or less. I used to want to be a novelist. Thx Twitter...

If I have to listen to Christmas commercials while carving pumpkins, then I can drink green beer while I wrap Christmas presents, right?

"if the power goes out before noon it's ok to start drinking."

-Me

I can already tell it's going to be one of those days.

You know, the days when I wonder why anyone would ever want kids.

I want to bitch about my cramps, bloating, and irritability, but I feel like that card's been overplayed at this point in evolution.

As long as the world keeps making donuts, I will continue to be a fat fuck.

I told the kid, "be nice to mommy."

Then she twisted my nipple.

She knows me so well.

My kid just licked my toe. too bad I'm not into that.

Lists? Does this mean I have to get on the computer? I'm not sure I remember how to type on a real keyboard anymore.

Oh scary movies on FX with curse words badly dubbed over... You make me giggle.