Twitter needs to add a BULLSHIT option next to FAVORITE and RETWEET.

I stepped outside into the cold and thought "this isn't so bad." I wasn't half-way to my truck before eating those wordcicles.

I just had an out of soda experience.

Sticking a star on a tweet that belongs to a private profile kind of feels like whispering congratulations to someone into an empty room.

Windows Update, you're a dick.

I wish I knew why Twitter has a retweet button and lists, but still doesn't have a built in method for knowing when you've been favorited.

My fridge is where healthy food goes to rot.

You can't win, you know. If you retweet me, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

I've enjoyed all of twitter's Jesus fan fiction this week. I hope everyone keeps writing such witty comments throughout the Alien Invasions.

First they tell you what you may do. Next they tell what you must do. Finally they send you a bill. Freedom isn't free, and neither are you.

Everyone complained that the original iPhone's camera wasn't good enough. Apple upgraded it and now everyone uses Instagram to degrade pics.

Author of utterly false though possibly ironic statement in an implausible context seeks approval from total strangers in the form of stars.

0v3r t3h w1r3, d0wn t3h t00bs, 4r0und t3h n3t, n0th1n' bu7 n00bs. (p.s. fnord.)

Work is the price you pay for chasing dollars instead of dreams.

I'm seeing banner ads for ordering sausage online and I'm just not sure how I feel about that. Related: I hope it gets here by this weekend.

@_vaginasaurus Pink velvet sausage wallet.

I'm not mad because the neighbors are setting off fireworks. I just wish they would stop dicking around and really blow some shit up.

Passing out with my face on the keyboard. That's just how I drool. I mean roll.

Sausage or it didn't happen.

Facebook is the mail. Twitter is the news. MySpace is the trash.