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My four year old just touched the bottom of a public toilet seat with his bare hands and now I don't know if I want to keep him anymore...
Chuck e Cheese is total bullshit, first I can't go in the ball pit then they tell me to put my pants back on. Fuck this place.
Some of the funniest people I know aren't even joking...
"Oh shit, my bad..." -Me when I make a mistake.
"What a fucking idiot..." - Me when anyone else makes a mistake.
My Dads career advice was "Do what you love". So I'm trying to make a living jerking off and playing video games.
No matter how cool you think your favorite tweeter is, they started out just like all of us, a little egg that no one gave a shit about...
There are people dying from war, disease, famine all over the world & I just dropped a whole iced coffee, my point is we all have problems..
I'm not AGAINST religion or anything but tell me one time you've heard a group of atheists killed hundreds of people to push THEIR agenda?
Twitter is the only place I know where anyone from a guy in his parents basement to a stay at home mom is funnier than any famous comedian.
Dont you just hate it when you're in a super sexually tense relationship with someone and the other person doesn't know it's even happening?
You guys are like the family I never had and thought I never wanted, then did want, then rebelled against, then came back to drunk & crying.
People see my tattoos and think freak. Then they hear me talk and think asshole.
Based on how much my kid likes spinning to get dizzy I can pretty much tell you he's gonna be a drunk...
If you don't get nervous every single time you see a cop car behind you then congratulations on having such a safe, boring life I guess...
People say twitter is just like high school but no one ever punches me in the face or bangs my mom on twitter so I don't see it...
If I were gay I'd totally open an alien themed gay bar in Roswell called The Anal Probe. Shit, I may do it anyway cause that's just awesome.
My wife just told me I'm immature so I farted in her face and put my gum in her hair...
1. Introduce myself
2. Win you over
3. Earn your trust
4. Destroy that trust
5. Leave you devistated
6. Find someone new
7. Repeat process
Perhaps even more important than being able to make a joke on here is being able to take a joke on here...
When the hipsters take over twitter and it's cool to have less followers and stars than everyone I'm gonna be way ahead of most of you guys.