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#Mitterature One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, I Hate 47% of You-ish
They never tell you that in "A Christmas Carol" little Tiny Tim is sick because the Cratchets are slowing selling his organs.
Twitter is down? That explains the lack of stars and RTs I've received.
Twitter has been down for like a year and a half right?
People who tweet pictures of the sky. Thanks! We don't have sky here.
Open mic night at the lunatic asylum.
- How they pitched twitter
Somewhere Alan Rickman opens his gifts, looks at each one and says "Interesting" in a low ominous voice.
Obama at the White House handling the crisis, Romney collecting canned goods that the Red Cross specifically told him they don't need.
Operator: 911 What's your emergency?
Me: I have a killer tweet but can only get it down to 150 characters
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Dying doesn't seem so scary if you think about it as "Completing Level I"
They say most people use the name of their childhood pet as a password so I'm really glad my hamsters name was 17€hY62F?76HjKL
If you unfollow me I feel bad for you because whichever tweet pissed you off, I can always go lower. But you'll never know if you leave.
If George Washington were alive today I think he'd be most impressed with our ready access to free porn.
My penis wants to throw up inside you.
Siri would have been more fun if they used the voice of Marge Simpson
Optimists are just Pessimists who think they have a plan.