#Mitterature One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, I Hate 47% of You-ish

Hello Nationwide Insurance. Yeah, my house has like 700 bullet holes in it and my boat has about 300. Am I covered?

#manhunt

They never tell you that in "A Christmas Carol" little Tiny Tim is sick because the Cratchets are slowing selling his organs.

#Lessinterestingbooks Romeo and Kim

#Lessinterestingbooks Midnight in the Olive Garden of Good and Evil

Twitter is down? That explains the lack of stars and RTs I've received.

Twitter has been down for like a year and a half right?

Somewhere Alan Rickman opens his gifts, looks at each one and says "Interesting" in a low ominous voice.

Obama at the White House handling the crisis, Romney collecting canned goods that the Red Cross specifically told him they don't need.

#ConfusedMovies Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind

If you unfollow me I feel bad for you because whichever tweet pissed you off, I can always go lower. But you'll never know if you leave.

#SaySomethingNiceAboutObama doesn't hate 47% of us or lie about Jeep, never tied a dog to car roof or cut kids hair off in bullying incident

#CulinaryFilms You've Got Mayo

#CulinaryFilms Lord of the Onion Rings

#InHartford Hartford, CT is trending which means Hartford is more popular on twitter than it is in Hartford.

If you can use plastic wrap without it turning into a total cluster fuck, then you're a witch.

If the school burned down no one would be saying its too early to talk about sprinklers.

People who tweet pictures of the sky. Thanks! We don't have sky here.

#Mitterature Where The Lying Things Are

Twitter is backwards. When you start an account it should automatically have you follow everyone then first one to zero followers loses.

I've done an exhaustive study of what foods are bad for you and have determined that the healthiest option appears to be starvation.