No one ever eats salsa out of my decortive John F. Kennedy head bowl. :(

I just typed 9+10 into my calculator. The wrong twin died at birth.

I dream in myspace glitter graphics.

My mom was bent down getting something out of the fridge when my dick grazed her butt. That is how I can produce tears on cue, Mr. Lipton.

Let's hologram Trayvon so people will shut the fuck up.

I just got caught reaching up my shorts leg to scratch an itch on my balls. I looked like a kid trying to steal a toy from the claw machine.

I hate when you go to flick a spider off your body and miss. The second attempt is more hysteric. You know that it knows you missed.

I bet people that deny dinosaurs ever existed are the same assholes that have a giant bowl of candy at their work desk and don't share.

They say drug addicts are always trying to reach that first high. What about the time I microwaved a pack of bologna and fucked it?

When you say premature ejaculation. Define 'pre'? Like, before you sucked all the joy out of my life and we had things in common?

I daydream of nursing homes in my future. Instead of bingo there will be XBox tournaments and pill swaps with Tool and White Stripes playing

I wish I had enough money to make things go away.

I just hope all you people raising kids are teaching them to show zero reverence for religion and politicians.

Oh, I get it now. You call me "Boo" because you sneak in my room smelling of whiskey and sodomize me. Like a ghost!

Why does Ellen dress like Laurel and Hardy?

The warning signs on Adderall should say. 'This drug may cause you to paint the last supper on a grain of rice but do the dishes instead'

Pipe down... shush! This rapper said he is about to say something really deep...I think I missed it, did you hear it? What did he say??

You can tell when snakes are not happy when they are squeezing your intestines out of your anus.

Bra shopping with Rosie O'donnell! Holla!

I'm watching Anne of Green Gables and just blurted out "I hope vagrants break in and cut Anne's clit off"