jack and jill went up the hill so he could lick her candy, but jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock, because jill's real name was randy

Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except for yesterday. yesterday you were pretty fucking annoying.

that awkward moment, when your sarcasm is so advanced, that people actually think you are stupid.

Man, sex is great.

Man sex is great.

Use commas

don't forget that the woman is always in charge because she wears the tits

Despite the contradictory advice circulated in the late ’90s, if you wanna be my lover, please do not get with my friends.

Women say that size doesn't matter but I have yet to meet a woman that owns a 3 inch crooked vibrator.

jesus walked on water. cucumbers are 96% water. i can walk on cucumbers.
therefore, i'm 96% jesus

Getting married before 30 is just like
leaving a party before 10 pm.

Every girl is a freak. It just takes the right man, to bring it out.

you want your girlfriend to gag on the length, not the smell

If i had a nickel for every time i heard you say something stupid i'd have a sock full of nickels to beat you with

I have the sex appeal of a pair of crocs

never underestimate the power of an extremely pissed off woman.

The most dangerous thing I ever did was love someone with all my heart.

wow kids these days age 13 smoking weed and having sex? when I was that age i was popping pills injecting heroin and planning my 10th murder

Cry as hard as you want to, but just make sure when you're finished, you never cry for the same reason again.

I dont age, I level up

Honey boo boo's mother has a boyfriend and you're single. Just let that sink in for a second.

Today has been cancelled go back to bed!