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Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except for yesterday. yesterday you were pretty fucking annoying.
that awkward moment, when your sarcasm is so advanced, that people actually think you are stupid.
jack and jill went up the hill so he could lick her candy, but jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock, because jill's real name was randy
Black licorice isn’t a candy it’s a punishment
Despite the contradictory advice circulated in the late ’90s, if you wanna be my lover, please do not get with my friends.
don't forget that the woman is always in charge because she wears the tits
Women say that size doesn't matter but I have yet to meet a woman that owns a 3 inch crooked vibrator.
Every girl is a freak. It just takes the right man, to bring it out.
I dont age, I level up
Cry as hard as you want to, but just make sure when you're finished, you never cry for the same reason again.
Getting married before 30 is just like
leaving a party before 10 pm.
jesus walked on water. cucumbers are 96% water. i can walk on cucumbers.
therefore, i'm 96% jesus
The most dangerous thing I ever did was love someone with all my heart.
If i had a nickel for every time i heard you say something stupid i'd have a sock full of nickels to beat you with
Why test on animals when there are people who are rude to waiters and waitresses
never underestimate the power of an extremely pissed off woman.
I have the sex appeal of a pair of crocs
you want your girlfriend to gag on the length, not the smell
Honey boo boo's mother has a boyfriend and you're single. Just let that sink in for a second.
I have two guns, one for each of ya. Military Veteran DOB -11/11/1976
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