I think I need to start cutting my pain pills in half. A caterpillar just came up to me and asked if I wanted to buy a new hat.

I really pity whoever is the last man on earth. Most women agree they want nothing to do with that dude

I'll bet when hermaphrodites go missing they put their pictures on cartons of half and half.

The guy in line next to me at Walmart is buying a 12 pack and a Snuggie. Wonder how his social life is going.

"Yeah, I get a lot of his mail. It gets kind of annoying really" - Jesus W. Christ

I'm not really stalking you. It's just that I'm a very observant person.....of you....all the time.

I'll bet if there were zombie Transformers, they'd go around moaning "Traaaaiiins, Traaaaiiins"

I'm not gonna lie my 2 favorite palindromes are probably boob and tit.

Crap I missed the end of the movie. Did the porn star finally clean the pool for the slutty housewife, or do I have wait for the sequel?

Hey girl running for her life, I was only running after you with the knife trying to protect you from whatever you were running from.Call me

I bet I could do pretty good in those hot dog eating competitions if I was allowed to be high and dip everything in ranch dressing.

I still have to say "righty tighty, lefty loosey" in case anyone out there is looking for a top notch mechanic

If you don't carry around a "Student Driver" sign to put on your car for after the bar, you don't have as much practice drunk driving as me.

"Well I prefer to call it OURpes now" ~ how my ex gf told me she had an STD

As it turns out M&M's also melt in your ass.

A friend of mine told me I have anger issues. I have no idea why he thinks that, but now I have to find a place for this damn body.

Revenge is a dish best served with bacon, because really what doesn't go better with bacon?

Apparently telling the police officer, "Yeah, I've never been good at tests" will not get me out of this failed breathalyzer

If when you meet a woman from Austrailia you don't look at her crotch & ask her, "So what's it like Down Under" you are a better man than me

How is there not a kosher soda called Mountain Jew yet?