I think I need to start cutting my pain pills in half. A caterpillar just came up to me and asked if I wanted to buy a new hat.

I really pity whoever is the last man on earth. Most women agree they want nothing to do with that dude

"Yeah, I get a lot of his mail. It gets kind of annoying really" - Jesus W. Christ

I'll bet when hermaphrodites go missing they put their pictures on cartons of half and half.

The guy in line next to me at Walmart is buying a 12 pack and a Snuggie. Wonder how his social life is going.

I'm not really stalking you. It's just that I'm a very observant person.....of you....all the time.

I'm not gonna lie my 2 favorite palindromes are probably boob and tit.

I'll bet if there were zombie Transformers, they'd go around moaning "Traaaaiiins, Traaaaiiins"

Crap I missed the end of the movie. Did the porn star finally clean the pool for the slutty housewife, or do I have wait for the sequel?

Hey girl running for her life, I was only running after you with the knife trying to protect you from whatever you were running from.Call me

Revenge is a dish best served with bacon, because really what doesn't go better with bacon?

Apparently telling the police officer, "Yeah, I've never been good at tests" will not get me out of this failed breathalyzer

I bet I could do pretty good in those hot dog eating competitions if I was allowed to be high and dip everything in ranch dressing.

If you don't carry around a "Student Driver" sign to put on your car for after the bar, you don't have as much practice drunk driving as me.

"This turkey burger tastes so much better than a bacon double cheesburger" ~ nobody

If when you meet a woman from Austrailia you don't look at her crotch & ask her, "So what's it like Down Under" you are a better man than me

As it turns out M&M's also melt in your ass.

I still have to say "righty tighty, lefty loosey" in case anyone out there is looking for a top notch mechanic

The only life form found on Mars was a stray cat which died when the rover landed on it. I guess what they say about Curiosity was true.

The person interviewing me is full of crap. Going commando totally counts as military experience doesn't it?