One week on Twitter and I've already been able to prove my long-held theory: 99.6% of the Earth's population is funnier than Dane Cook.

If you like country music, you may also be interested in:
A. Walmart
B. Mesh tank tops
C. Your hot cousin
(not that you can read this)

I'm on to you Dora. You're no Explorer, you're a drug mule. Tiene cocaina. No wonder Swiper's always after that backpack of yours...

What do we want?
A cure for Tourettes!

When do we want it?
Cunt!

Ladies, forget the power suits. If you want to have power over a man put on a tank top & yoga pants & those fuckers will do whatever you ask

No, Gloria Estefan, the rhythm is never gonna get me. I'm white. And if the rhythm even tries to touch me, I'm calling the fucking cops.

Happy Veterans Day!
And my condolences that the country you fought so bravely for is now full of hipsters, Snookies, and Kardashians.

Devil's food cake is soooo much better than Angel food cake. Sorry God, but in the battle of the pastries, Satan wins, hands down.

Ladies- can we please chill it with the Uggs this year? They're more passé than pubic hair and make you look like a Starbucks drinking Ewok.

Single ladies-forget the expensive beauty treatments. All you need to do to get a man is- A. Turn down the crazy a notch, & B. Have a vagina

What did one tampon say to the other?



Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.

I can make my own champagne with box wine and Alka-Seltzer. Suck on that one-percenters!

To all of you grown women who ran out to see Twilight this week, just keep in mind: ladies can be pedos too.
You creepy bitches.

Fuck you eggnog for playing hard to get 10 months out of the year. Well, I've got you now you creamy bitch & I'm gonna have my way with you.

If being gay was a choice,how come I haven't been able to choose it? Who wouldn't want to be better at softball & working with power tools?

My cat's a fat pussy and my dog's a schizophrenic ass-sniffer. Please don't let this be an indicator of how my sons will turn out...

Remember when it was cool to wear pants falling off your ass?
Well its not anymore so get a job & buy some fucking clothes that fit, asshole

How can I diet when that butter slut, Paula Deen is always on TV squirting her cream cheese frosting all over that moist red velvet? Whore.

Men should consider C-section scars sexy. They mean the pressure for kids is off and the hoo-ha is still intact. I'm gonna bedazzle mine.

The View is having a segment "Clues that Your Husband Is Watching Porn".

Clue 1: He has a penis.

Clue 2: He has eyes.

Mystery solved.