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People who need the volume on an even number are crazy…it can also be on a multiple of five.
Tip: When the cop asks you "Do you know how fast you were going?" do NOT respond with "I know, right?!"
I wonder how many hipsters realize they're simply dressed as characters from Mister Rogers' Neighborhood.
It's kinda funny how I open a pint of ice cream and don't immediately throw away the lid.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Don't you hate it when clothes shrink in the dryer or sometimes just sitting in your closet?
After a few beers, I'm like Oprah with my favorites: "…and you get a star, and you get a star, and you get a star…"
To avoid the last minute rush, I'm getting my holiday weight gain out of the way early.
(Did I mention I've been running? I'm a runner now, so I have to work it into every conversation…)
Damn you, typos! Damn you to help!
"Mama said check you out!"
- me at the library getting a book recommended by my mother
Successfully avoided the Freshman 15 only to succumb to the Thirties 30.
When the news interviews lottery winners & asks how they'll spend the money, just once I want to hear them say, "I'm going to the dentist!"
Ugh! My food is always so cold by the time I'm done instagramming it!
When I see a hot guy on the dust jacket of a religious book, all I can think is, "Aww, that's a shame…"
Yeah, well, if I were hot, you'd find me "bold" and "daring," not "creepy" and "I'm calling the cops"...
Even my imaginary friends are huge dorks.
I wish I were rich enough to own Apple products. Or be Republican. Or buy groceries.
There are people in this bar who don't have their phones out... I don't understand...
You can really taste the 'z' in this can of spray cheeze...