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People who need the volume on an even number are crazy…it can also be on a multiple of five.
Tip: When the cop asks you "Do you know how fast you were going?" do NOT respond with "I know, right?!"
I wonder how many hipsters realize they're simply dressed as characters from Mister Rogers' Neighborhood.
It's kinda funny how I open a pint of ice cream and don't immediately throw away the lid.
After a few beers, I'm like Oprah with my favorites: "…and you get a star, and you get a star, and you get a star…"
To avoid the last minute rush, I'm getting my holiday weight gain out of the way early.
Don't you hate it when clothes shrink in the dryer or sometimes just sitting in your closet?
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
(Did I mention I've been running? I'm a runner now, so I have to work it into every conversation…)
"Mama said check you out!"
- me at the library getting a book recommended by my mother
Damn you, typos! Damn you to help!
Successfully avoided the Freshman 15 only to succumb to the Thirties 30.
Even my imaginary friends are huge dorks.
Ugh! My food is always so cold by the time I'm done instagramming it!
When I see a hot guy on the dust jacket of a religious book, all I can think is, "Aww, that's a shame…"
I wish I were rich enough to own Apple products. Or be Republican. Or buy groceries.
Sorry, that Calvin Klein commercial came on... What were you saying?
You can really taste the 'z' in this can of spray cheeze...
When the news interviews lottery winners & asks how they'll spend the money, just once I want to hear them say, "I'm going to the dentist!"