People who need the volume on an even number are crazy…it can also be on a multiple of five.

Tip: When the cop asks you "Do you know how fast you were going?" do NOT respond with "I know, right?!"

It's kinda funny how I open a pint of ice cream and don't immediately throw away the lid.

To avoid the last minute rush, I'm getting my holiday weight gain out of the way early.

After a few beers, I'm like Oprah with my favorites: "…and you get a star, and you get a star, and you get a star…"

Don't you hate it when clothes shrink in the dryer or sometimes just sitting in your closet?

I wonder how many hipsters realize they're simply dressed as characters from Mister Rogers' Neighborhood.

(Did I mention I've been running? I'm a runner now, so I have to work it into every conversation…)

Damn you, typos! Damn you to help!

Successfully avoided the Freshman 15 only to succumb to the Thirties 30.

When I see a hot guy on the dust jacket of a religious book, all I can think is, "Aww, that's a shame…"

When the news interviews lottery winners & asks how they'll spend the money, just once I want to hear them say, "I'm going to the dentist!"

Even my imaginary friends are huge dorks.

Sorry, that Calvin Klein commercial came on... What were you saying?

Browsing through SkyMall. Who buys this craOH MY GOD I NEED A TIKI BAR AND A PEEING BOY FOUNTAIN RIGHT NOW!

Often after spelling something right on the first try, I have to spell it again wrong to make sure my spell check is working.

I wish I were rich enough to own Apple products. Or be Republican. Or buy groceries.

So, how's the indie singer/songwriter thing working out for you, everyone named Joshua?

Maybe I'll make a tshirt that says "ignore me" to wear ironically & piss off hipsters for not thinking of it first.

At what point does it cease to be a dishwasher and become a cabinet?