Why do people think Jesus is coming back? He wasn't nailed to a fucking boomerang

FYI Ladies:
The guy willing to tattoo your name on his body, is the same guy willing to commit a murder suicide.

"Neighbor called the police to report that someone's been stealing her underwear off the washing line... I just about shit her pants!"

Are we taking this relationship to the next hole or what

When you retweet someone funnier than you, I follow them and unfollow you.

How do you file "it's complicated" on your taxes?

Money can't buy you happiness but it can buy you a blow job.

My relationship with alcohol has been on the rocks lately

My blonde gf says we are having twins, yeah, she said both pregnancy tests were positive!

My wife is so worthless she wont even Blow out the candles

My Mexican HD TV package was installed today. They moved the couch closer to the tv!

So what if I allegedly pick my teeth with a business card before I hand it out.

My coworker sucked so much cock this weekend that she just coughed and feathers flew out of her mouth.

There comes a time when you realize that you cant make both girlfriends happy

I'm glad that my tweets are not as good as most of your tweets because that means that I have less issues.

Wife: How would you like your coffee? Me: I would like it quickly, hurry up!

Does this body bag make my wife look fat?

Whenever my wife says "wrong hole" I immediately call mulligan

Can a person call in sick if they work at a hospital?

My wife is as dumb as a rock, that's why I take her for granite,