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A college-aged nerd is a small child who by some calamitous accident has been given a sex drive.
Every time Sarah Palin calls herself a feminist, a baby becomes ugly.
Tip to journalists: If your headline contains the words "American Idol," please don't, please just stop
My 14yo sister and 5,000 friends are watching a reality show about conjoined twins. Overheard: "Do they, like, feel each other's boobs?"
Mitt Romney's basically touring the world leaving YouTube comments on countries.
Oh, fuck, I slept through my alarm! As an unemployed person with no local social life I will suffer vague and intangible consequences!
It's bullshit that you can't get pizza without giving them money for it, I have a right to eat pizza dude
Nothing could be less relevant to the story of a man murdering a child than that child's high school attendance records. For Christ's sake.
I wonder how many punk and grindcore bands named Transvaginal Ultrasound have formed and disbanded in the past three weeks.
While #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithPenis is trending, four individual jokes from that hashtag trend on their own. The cosmic ballet goes on.
If you're near me and have whiskey I'll grant you 3 wishes. Caveat: must be things that can be done by a guy who just drank all your whiskey
Whoever came up with beer pretty much knocked that one out of the park.
Whenever something an athlete does is called "unprofessional" I think "You know what's unprofessional? Playing baseball at work."
A fine British gentleman I follow who tweets about politics just mentioned a real person known as Lord Steel. There's no fighting it: UK>US.
Today's the day I don't go back to Hampshire, which seems like a good time to take stock of my--nope, bad idea, watchin' cartoons
Shining's cover of 21st Century Schizoid Man is the sound of a mind imploding. Check out the version on Live Blackjazz.
Smokers: next time you're smoking and someone points out that it's bad for you, pretend you didn't know that and start acting all horrified.
"I tried to touch her face, but she had a boyfriend." - my brother
"The fact that you're alive is amazing. So you don't get to be bored."
Guy at Jiffy Lube just asked, sincerely, if I play for the Packers. I was so surprised I had to think about it. Do I play for the Packers?
Creator of AMC's Breaking Bad
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